Barack Obama Kicks Off Midterms By Kicking Donald Trump IN THE ASS
BARRY BAMZ-A-LOT OBAMA THE KENYAN GAY USURPER IS BACK, and not a moment too soon!
If this dumbfuck week has gotten you down in the dumps, be happy that President Obama chose today to officially start campaigning for the midterms, and he had a lot to say! (Also be happy that Trump campaign foreign policy adviser George PapaSmurfOlous is being sentenced today, TO JAIL.)
It was a very good speech. Remember the olden days when the president of the United States was an attractive, legitimately elected man who was fluent in English? Oh, nostalgia! Obama didn't shy away from calling Donald Trump by his name, either. We guess that whole "presidents don't openly criticize presidents" thing is on pause right now, perhaps because the thin-skinned wannabe tyrant in the White House is worse than any of us ever imagined.
But it wasn't all about Trump! A lot of it was about who Democrats are, what we're fighting for, and why we the diverse majority should fight to take this country back from the backward minority of dead-end deplorables who currently hold power.
Here is some video for you, so you can watch the whole thing if you are a smart person who does what Wonkette says:
Obama was speaking at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, and drove home the fact (#FACT) that this is the most consequential election of most of our lifetimes:
"I'm here today because this is one of those pivotal moments when every one of us as citizens of the United States need to determine just who we are, what it is that we stand for," Obama said. "As a fellow citizen, not as an ex-president, I'm here to deliver a simple message, which is that you need to vote, because our democracy depends on it."
And then Obama laid into Trump, by saying his name, while diagnosing a larger problem:
It did not start with Donald Trump. He is a symptom, not the cause. He's just capitalizing on resentments that politicians have been fanning for years, a fear and anger that's rooted in our past but also borne of the tremendous upheavals that have taken place.
Yeah but speaking of Donald Trump, have you seen that motherfucker? Here's Obama on Trump's attacks on the press, noting that he didn't have a sniveling goddamn baby conniption every time actual fake news Fox News attacked him:
And here's Obama very specifically calling out Trump's dipshit belief that he is America's king, and that the Justice Department should exist solely to investigate whatever is chapping the president's dumb ass that day:
Also Obama had a very simple question for a very stupid president, and it was "How hard can that be, saying that Nazis are bad?" Well, it probably is pretty hard for a senile old white racist whose most reliable constituents are Nazis, BARRY!
Just to twist the knife a little bit, Obama reminded the crowd that it was he who murdered Osama bin Laden (while Donald Trump was hosting a stupid reality show), and as for this lovely economy Trump likes to brag about? Trump didn't build that:
Let's just remember when this recovery started. [...] When you hear about this economic miracle that's going on ... actually those job numbers are the same as they were in 2015 and 2016.
HE IS JUST SAYING.
Sexxxy Bamz also went after the current Republican party, which has become fully #complicit like a common Ivanka:
What happened to the Republican Party? Its central organizing principle in foreign policy was the fight against Communism, and now they're cozying up to the former head of the KGB. [...] What happened?
Oh, a lot of things happened, Barry Bamz, and it started with their racist freak-out that you Presidented While Black, which compounded their "economic anxiety" fears that the America they love (the racist white one) is going away, which made them ripe targets for a Russian influence campaign to steal the election for racist pig-ignorant Russian intelligence asset Donald Trump. (It's a lot more than that, but it's Friday and we ain't down for writing a thinker piece right now.)
Obama even talked about THE "AMONYMISSSSSH" OP-ED:
"That is not a check. That's not how our democracy's supposed to work. These people aren't elected," he said. "They're not doing us a service by actively promoting 90 percent of the crazy stuff that's coming out of this White House, and saying, 'Don't worry, we're preventing the other 10 percent."
YEAH, KELLYANNE OR DAN COATS OR MIKE PENCE OR ELAINE CHAO OR MELANIA OR IVANKA OR MIKE POMPEO OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS, IF "NAME" IS EVEN YOUR REAL NAME.
But let's not dwell on all that, let's dwell on FIXIN' IT, because Barry had words for the rest of us who are not Trump idiots:
"Even if you don't agree with me or Democrats on policy, even if you agree with more libertarian economic views, even if you are an evangelical and the position on social issues is a bridge too far," Obama said. "I'm here to tell you that you should still be concerned and should still want to see a restoration of honesty and decency and lawfulness in our government. It should not be Democratic or Republican.
Obama also said something that needs to be said in these times, referring to people who might not have gotten the candidate they personally love the most onto the November ballot: "This is not a rock concert. This is not Coachella." In other words, it's not about your feelings. He went on:
If you want it, you can make sure America gets out of this funk. [...] But to exercise that power, you have to show up.
He even brought back that old standby: "Don't boo. VOTE!"
Oh how we miss him.
But yay, he's back, at least while we're midterming it up in these here United States! So let's make like it's 2008 and get hopey changey shiny happy and fucking MAKE AMERICA DECENT AND NORMAL AND PATRIOTIC AND KIND AND GOOD AND SEXXXY AGAIN. (Should we make MADANAPAKAGASA hats? Would you buy them all?)
Anyway, here is a sexxx picture of Obama, and this post is over, goodbye and good luck, etc.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!