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LOL! OMG! BEST DATE E-V-E-R


B. Barry Bamz, the Baron of Badass and King of Cool, is currently having one of the most radical vacays ever! He's been all over Asia this week getting his drank and swerve on with all the Chineses, and Japaneses, and Vietnameses, proving that you don't have to be LAME even if you are a lame duck or the popular but incorrect usage of lame duck, which is what our man here is. It only took seven years, but our Party Commander in Chief is FINALLY working on his pivot to Asia.

Remember a long time ago when he was talking about rebootin' all the computin' systems, making our enemies our friends, and our friends our BESTEST friends? He had a bit of a rough start with all that healthcare business, and Syria business, and schalacking business, and Bin Laden business, but we KNEW he'd get around to it eventually! Those other lamestream media jerks were just trying to bring the man down before he even had the chance to strut his stuff. ¡NO ES BUENO! ¡Vamos de fiesta!

Now that he doesn't have to take any more shit from Congress, Bamz has gone full ham! On Monday, he passed out guns to the poor, godless heathens in Vietnam, and squashed some beef from way back in the old-timey days that no one really remembers anyway. After that, he had beers with a famous reality teevee person who goes to other countries, smokes, swears, drinks their booze, eats their food, and makes sexy times with their ladies. That's about as 'Merica as it gets!

Barry-O's Got Eatin' Skillz!

Now, you're probably thinking, "He gave guns to the poors, MISSION: ACCOMPLISHED!" No! Wrong! When Barry Bamz flies into your town you know some shit is about to go down! PARTY!

Next he went and hung out with some science bozos where he told them that their country was dirty and gross, and that they needed to clean it up instead of coming to Donald Trump's Nu'Merica Pleasure Palace. They loved our Barry Bamz so much, the Queen of Vietnamese hip-hop herself even even sang him a super special freestyle rap song!

Bamz was like, "AWW SHIT, GURL!" He then went and hit the hopie-changie hits; acknowledging that the rap game is tough, especially for ladies.

There's always been, sort, sexism and gender stereotypes in the music industry, like every other part of life ... Imagine if at the time that rap was starting off that the government has said 'no' because some of the things you say are offensive, or some of the lyrics are rude or you're cursing too much. That connection that we've seen now in hip-hop culture around the would wouldn't exist. So, you've got to let people express themselves. That's part of what a modern 21st century culture is all about.

Then, there was the whole business of selling the TPP, that horrible, no good, crummy trade deal that would bring Asia out of the Dark Ages by cramming silly nonsense down their throats, like workers rights, intellectual property rights, trade between ASEAN nations and freedoms to the HORRIBLE liberal media!

Before leaving Vietnam, he even took a minute to kill some totally gross terrorists. GAG ME WITH A SPOON!

Finally, Bamz swung on over to Hiroshima where he kind of, sort of apologized to the Japanese for that time we blew their whole country to smithereens and saved the world from space Nazis or whatever. It's cool though because we luv their sexy anime ladies too! Waifu's for everyone!

Now, some people (*cough*CHINA*cough*) are all mad saying that Barry's most excellent vacation is just an excuse for the U.S. to "[use] Vietnam as an offset to China's growing strength in the region," except that's total crap because the U.S. is already balls deep in China's sea, and we'll go wherever the hell we want! We're so deep inside that we've got robo-boats in it! All we're trying to do is hang out and play Battleship with our friends in the G-7, but China's boo-hooing about some shitty little islands. Suck it, China!

Also, the editrix says she wants Anthony Bourdain to call her. Wait, no, she's married now. Shit.

[NYT, NYT, USA Today, Reuters]

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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