If you are not on Twitter, chances are you missed out on this weekend's glorious discovery of the ridiculous anti-sex tweets of a Nigerian man named Reno Omokri. In a series of tweets -- each hashtagged #RenosNuggets -- Omokri compares women who dare have sex before marriage to various forms of food, wildlife, and (sort of!) the cast of the show iZombie.

Let's take a look, shall we? We shall.

In this tweet, he compares a woman's vagina to, uh, tuna steaks or something, suggesting that after four sexual partners, said vagina gets "loose." Like a tuna steak. And that if your vagina is LOOSE, then you won't have a connection to your partner.

FIRST OF ALL. A "virgin" is a person who hasn't had sex yet. How is anyone, whether god made them or not, going to be born having had sex? Or having done anything. I wasn't born having already walked, either, but it's not as if I ought to get pushed around in a Bugaboo until I meet my Prince Charming.

If anything I would demand to be pushed around in this stroller, which costs 100 MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS.

Also, despite what Omokri and internet incels might have you believe, this is not a thing. The vagina is a muscle, it does not get "loose" from having too much sex with one partner or with multiple partners. But, as you will soon come to learn, Omokri is not much of a science expert.

Another one of #RenosNuggets implored women to be wise oranges, not whoranges.

I don't... but what if you eat the orange? Is he suggesting that oranges wait for "the one" to eat them? Or have some sort of say in who eats or juices them? I am very confused by this parable. Like, I understand how oranges work, and I understand how sex works, and I get that he's trying to make some kind of case for waiting to have sex until you are married, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is he thinks the oranges are doing here.

In this tweet, Omokri suggests that every man you have sex with "discharges" part of his personality into you -- which either means I'm an amazing drummer now or a terrible poet. One of the two!

Is this why men are so boring? Because every time they have sex with someone they lose a little bit of their personality?

Probably not!

Does this mean that there a lot of of socks with personalities? Is that… what Lambchop is?

Oh, Shari...

In addition to Sybil, a whorange and a tuna steak, women can also be coffins:

As we all know, when you have an abortion, they just leave the dead fetus inside of you and then you have to walk around with it forever, and then it turns into one of those stone babies and you have stomach problems for the rest of your life. That is how abortions work, for sure.

Or you could be soup!

But actually, what you should be is a bald eagle!

Because Omokri REALLY loves eagles.

As it turns out, Reno Omokri isn't simply some random crank from the bowels of the internet. He a former spokesperson for, and special assistant to, former Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan -- whom you may recall from how much he loves throwing gay people in jail and being otherwise terrible. It all makes sense now, doesn't it? Except for the orange thing, because honestly I am still really confused about that.


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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