Be An Orange, Not A Whorange!
If you are not on Twitter, chances are you missed out on this weekend's glorious discovery of the ridiculous anti-sex tweets of a Nigerian man named Reno Omokri. In a series of tweets -- each hashtagged #RenosNuggets -- Omokri compares women who dare have sex before marriage to various forms of food, wildlife, and (sort of!) the cast of the show iZombie.
Let's take a look, shall we? We shall.
In this tweet, he compares a woman's vagina to, uh, tuna steaks or something, suggesting that after four sexual partners, said vagina gets "loose." Like a tuna steak. And that if your vagina is LOOSE, then you won't have a connection to your partner.
FIRST OF ALL. A "virgin" is a person who hasn't had sex yet. How is anyone, whether god made them or not, going to be born having had sex? Or having done anything. I wasn't born having already walked, either, but it's not as if I ought to get pushed around in a Bugaboo until I meet my Prince Charming.
If anything I would demand to be pushed around in this stroller, which costs 100 MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS.
Also, despite what Omokri and internet incels might have you believe, this is not a thing. The vagina is a muscle, it does not get "loose" from having too much sex with one partner or with multiple partners. But, as you will soon come to learn, Omokri is not much of a science expert.
Another one of #RenosNuggets implored women to be wise oranges, not whoranges.
I don't... but what if you eat the orange? Is he suggesting that oranges wait for "the one" to eat them? Or have some sort of say in who eats or juices them? I am very confused by this parable. Like, I understand how oranges work, and I understand how sex works, and I get that he's trying to make some kind of case for waiting to have sex until you are married, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is he thinks the oranges are doing here.
In this tweet, Omokri suggests that every man you have sex with "discharges" part of his personality into you -- which either means I'm an amazing drummer now or a terrible poet. One of the two!
Is this why men are so boring? Because every time they have sex with someone they lose a little bit of their personality?
Does this mean that there a lot of of socks with personalities? Is that… what Lambchop is?
In addition to Sybil, a whorange and a tuna steak, women can also be coffins:
As we all know, when you have an abortion, they just leave the dead fetus inside of you and then you have to walk around with it forever, and then it turns into one of those stone babies and you have stomach problems for the rest of your life. That is how abortions work, for sure.
Or you could be soup!
But actually, what you should be is a bald eagle!
Because Omokri REALLY loves eagles.
As it turns out, Reno Omokri isn't simply some random crank from the bowels of the internet. He a former spokesperson for, and special assistant to, former Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan -- whom you may recall from how much he loves throwing gay people in jail and being otherwise terrible. It all makes sense now, doesn't it? Except for the orange thing, because honestly I am still really confused about that.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse