Be Your Own Pennsylvania Mapfucker, With These Gerrymandered JIGSAW PUZZLES!

Pennsylvania Republicans are throwing the mother of all shitfits because the Pennsylvania Supreme Court has whittled their electoral advantage down from 30 percent to a mere 10 percent in the state's Congressional delegation. In anything but a wave year, they will still take 10 out of 18 seats, while receiving about half the vote. But they are whiny-ass cheaters who shout NO FAIR when the game isn't wildly rigged in their favor, and so those small government, states' rights conservatives are headed back to court to preserve their right to steal elections in perpetuity.

Here's Pennsylvania's old map, which jammed Philly voters into three districts, hacked off bits of the burbs and neutralized their voters by dumping them in with rural districts, among other crimes against demographics and geography.

And here's the new one, which has several competitive districts and doesn't cause migraines.

Let's repeat, unless there is a Democratic tsunami, Republicans are going to retain their majority in state government and number of US House members from Pennsylvania. They are now screaming bloody murder at having to run primaries in May using the new map, and promising to challenge the redistricting plan in the United States Supreme Court. Here's Pennsylvania House Speaker warning of a constitutional crisis.

We would suggest that all Pennsylvanians stand several feet back from Speaker Turzai, lest they get singed when a vengeful God smites him with lightning for telling such great, whopping lies. Ditto Pennsylvania Senate President Joe Scarnati, who issued a statement with Turzai decrying partisan gerrymandering and "litigation."

This entire exercise, while cloaked in ‘litigation,’ is and has been nothing more than the ultimate partisan gerrymander – one brought about by the Democrat Governor acting in concert with liberal politically-connected litigants.

Do we smell sulfur? These two assholes have been ratfucking the maps to ensure Republican majorities in Pennsylvania for years. They already asked the Supreme Court to intervene, and even Samuel Alito told them to get lost. They had a chance to draw their own fair maps and refused to do it. They they deliberately dragged this process out to the last second. And now, NOW they're going to run to the Supreme Court again crying that it's too late to get fair maps in 2018?

Give us a fucking break!

Oh, well now we're convinced! Wanna talk some bullshit, Mitch McConnell? Tell us how gerrymandering is a holy sacrament?

What do you think the founding fathers had in mind when they gave it to the state legislatures? They thought it was going to be a political exercise.

You've outdone yourself, Yertle! Thomas Jefferson and John Adams definitely envisioned political parties wresting control of the state legislature by ensuring that their opponents wasted their votes in a few packed districts. That's probably what they meant by "secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity."

Republicans are in full panic mode that they might lose the House in November. If Democrats pick up two Pennsylvania seats -- or maybe even four in a huge blue wave -- then they're a lot closer to the 24 they'll need to wrest back control of the chamber. So now it's time for Republicans to dump their petitions on as many courts as possible and see if they can't find some judge to issue an injunction on the Pennsylvania Supreme Court's map. They might just get lucky enough to run out the clock until it really is too late to implement the new districts in time for the November election. But if we were a betting man, we'd guess that "Don't Make Us Implement This Map Those Mean Judges Drew" won't work after "Don't Let Those Mean Judges Draw A Map" already failed.

We'll keep you posted on whatever bullshit lawsuits these hypocrites file tomorrow. In the meantime, scroll back up and enjoy the cool puzzles made by Wonkette's own Shypixel! Redistricting is FUN!

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Please click here to fund a giant tub of ibuprofen to stop our eyeballs throbbing from looking at these fakakta maps!

[Politico / Scarnati Letter / NYT]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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