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In the wake of the Supreme Court's Gay Marriage Throat-Cram-A-Thon, wingnuts have had hilarious reactions and stupid reactions and melodramatic reactions, and all of the other reactions that are dumb and bad. But here is one that takes the cake (but not the gay wedding cake; wingnuts are not allowed to be within 50 feet of those). Some people in Carolina Beach, North Carolina, were just out sunning their beached bodies when they saw (oh no!) a rainbow flag flying from one of the lifeguard post of the dashing gentleman pictured above, and immediately knew that meant that only gays would be rescued from drowning on that beach:


“Pretty much immediately someone complained,” Zach Hupp said. “Told one of the other lifeguards that they thought because I was flying that flag that I would only rescue gay people.”

Hupp said he just wanted everyone to feel accepted and safe.

“I feel like with that flag, I would hope that everyone would feel welcome to come down to the beach, especially near Freeman Park which is filled with other flags that may turn some people away,” Hupp added.

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Probably Confederate Flags, we're guessing, just maybe. That or there's a big Nazi swimming team that meets at Freeman Park, for dog-paddling, Jew-hating purposes. Anyway, the town passed a new rule that says you can't fly anything but lifeguard flags, so it's all okay now.

But seriously now. Who is this mysterious wingnut in North Carolina who sees a gay rainbow flag flying and goes "OH FUCK! I better not get myself in a precarious situation out in that ocean, because I am a man and I fuck my wife and OH FUCK! I'm gonna drown!"

Whoever you are, settle yourself. We don't know what you watch on teevee, or what you read on the internet, but all you've heard about how the whole country is gay now, and how you've lost your country, and how your new homosexual overlords are going to sashay you off to gay FEMA camps where you're going to have to learn how to do butt stuff and marry drag queens, it's simply not going to happen.

OR IS IT?

Nah.

UNLESS WE CHANGE OUR MIND.

Shhhhh, it's okay.

(????)

[WECT 6 via The New Civil Rights Movement]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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