Become An Investor In The Senator Kelly Loeffler Company. Operators Standing By, CALL NOW!

Did you hear a wildass whoop around 8 o'clock last night? A high pitched YEEHAW like an auctioneer who just discovered a pound of meth in a foreclosed storage unit? That sound was Georgia Congressman Doug Collins, who took a break from stomping on his Lady A(ntebellum) CDs to celebrate the fact that his Republican opponent in Georgia's special Senate election this November done shot herself in the foot again.

The Daily Beast reports that Kelly Loeffler, who was appointed to fill Senator Johnny Isaakson's seat when he retired last year, has made some, ummm, creative fundraising appeals of late. While most politicians are smart enough to sell tickets to events — the functional equivalent of access peddling, but with a veneer of propriety — Loeffler invites her donors to invest in her. Want to buy a piece of a sitting senator with guaranteed facetime throughout the year? No problem, long as that check clears!

Loeffler, who sank like a stone in the polls after getting embroiled in scandal for well-timed stock trades after being briefed in January on the impending dangers from coronavirus, is marketing her campaign as a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity to become a member of "The Executive Council" for a sitting senator.

Become a "Board Member" by maxing out your federal contribution, giving $2,800 for the November vote and $2,800 for the runoff, and you, too, can gain exclusive access to the senator every single month. For PACs, the cost is a little bit higher at $10,000. But thanks to Chief Justice John Roberts, they can take in unlimited Ameros, so laissez les bontemps rouler!

Beast also got its hands on the invite for the third quarter event. You know, in case you failed to get in on the ground floor and missed the second quarter kick-off breakfast in April and the May dinner with the senator. Don't worry, because in September you can attend the First Annual Loeffler Victory Retreat in Sea Island, Georgia. But only "Executive Council Board Members" who've maxed out their contributions can attend that special Nineteenth Hole event with Senator Loeffler and a special guest after the game. Sorry Loeffler Campaign Shareholders and Investors!

To say that this is NOT A GOOD LOOK for a candidate in the middle of a stock trading scandal is a substantial understatement. Georgia Governor Brian Kemp put Loeffler in that seat because she was supposed to be able to self-fund her own campaign. And because she's a Vagina American who could appeal to suburban women who have been fleeing the GOP in horror. Now she's selling access for a measly $2,800, and was barely polling in double digits before this story broke.

All of which leads to a very strange place. Because the GOP was furious when Doug Collins declared his candidacy for this race. Kemp and Mitch McConnell wanted one Republican in the jungle primary to maximize their chance of getting over the 50 percent threshold on November 3 and avoiding a runoff in January. But Loeffler has so thoroughly damaged herself with voters that, without Doug Collins in the race, the top two finishers might both be Democrats. And even if partisanship put Loeffler at second place, she'd probably lose to any basically normal Democrat. The only way the GOP holds this seat, which might well determine the balance of the Senate, is if Collins, who told his own state party to get fucked, saves their asses.

It's a weird world. And Kelly Loeffler is a singularly shit candidate.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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