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Where are we on Howard Schultz's 15 minutes of fame? About a 13 and a half? This should help get us all the way to the finish line.

Is he ... saying "billionaire" is like the N-word now? Surely he's not ... oh, fuck him anyway, right in his stupid mouth.


OK, we did not come to give that fucker attention, we came to tell you about just how shitty the internal polling is on a Howard Schultz candidacy, and also to tell you that SURPRISE, at this point, if he actually did mount an independent run, financed by his "people of means" spare change, he would A) lose like a motherfucker and B) likely hand the election to Donald Trump. (Which may be what he wants, let's be honest here.)

Now, before we tell you the polling numbers, you may say "yeah sure, those numbers mean jackshit right now." You're right. The oppo research has only just begun and we are going to get meaner and meaner from here on out, to the point that this coffee prick nobody had heard of two weeks ago will likely have his reputation absolutely destroyed by the time we're done with him. In other words, these numbers are probably pretty high, TBQH.

Change Research decided to assess Schultz's chances after two weeks of Beltway idiots sitting at the undeclared candidate's feet like he was the coolest thing since false insinuations about the Clinton Foundation, and found that a whopping four percent of people have a positive view of Schultz, compared to 40 percent with a negative view and the rest of the folks, who didn't know and didn't care. And what's funny is that that four percent held pretty steady regardless of whether it was a Democrat, a Republican, or an "independent." In other words, Americans are united! In hating Howard Schultz!

But here's the key:

Schultz takes an average of four points away from what the Democratic candidate receives in a two-way race, while taking just 1% away from Donald Trump. That means Schultz's presence in the race makes Trump's margins between 2 and 4 points better than they would be without him in the race.

And:

In every three-way matchup except against Biden (who leads both candidates), President Trump has plurality support.

He hurts the Democrat and helps Trump, just like we suspected. Weird that he's still talking, then, if he's really doing this because he thinks Trump is a danger to the republic and that the American public is just clamoring for an asshole just like him to come in and save us.

The other Democrats in the hypothetical scenarios were Kamala Harris, Beto O'Rourke, Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, and it turns out that when the coffee prick wasn't included, they all beat Trump by almost exactly the same (small) margin. With Schultz in there, they all lose by almost exactly the same (small) margin. Biden is still polling ahead of everybody else, winning whether Schultz is in there or not, albeit by a much smaller margin with Schultz in the race. (And for the record, that is a scenario where we'd say yeah, it's EARLY. Warren, Harris and O'Rourke are still introducing themselves to the American people, whereas Biden was vice president of the United States for eight years. It's likely that the others will catch up to Uncle Joe's numbers.)

Of course, in this admittedly early poll -- which is only "early" if the fucker insists on sticking around and bothering us; if he quits today, it was the last poll ever taken! -- Schultz's numbers are pretty consistent too, with a maximum of seven really dumb percents of the electorate going for him. Even when pollsters read respondents a long thing about how Howard Schultz is nice and Howard Schultz smells good and Howard Schultz wants to take from the poor to feed the rich, people strangely didn't flock into his arms. Weird!

You can dig into the poll more if you want to, though we don't know why you'd want to. Change Research concludes:

The data indicates little appetite for an independent Schultz candidacy in 2020 exists even after voters learn more about him. It would likely only pull away votes from the eventual Democratic nominee if it has any impact at all.

Well, that's settled then!

In response to this polling, we guess, Schultz slipped Chuck Todd a piece of paper to read on "Meet The Press" that says NUH UH, Howard Schultz is the embodiment of the hopes and dreams of 17 PERCENT OF AMERICA, citing the internal polling he probably did when he asked his mom if he should be president, and which ... still shows Trump winning 33 percent of the vote compared to 32 percent for Kamala Harris or Elizabeth Warren. But that would mean Howard Schultz would get to be on the debate stage! Which would give him an opportunity to win America's hearts by saying "I'm the meaning in my life, I'm the inspiration!" and that he would like some more tax cuts for billionaires!

PRESIDENCY ACHIEVED?

Nope! Go fuck yourself, Howard Schultz, goodbye.

[Change Research]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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