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Behold, The 'Alt-Right' 'Proud Boys': Fedora-Wearing, Non-Masturbating Defenders Of 'Western Culture'

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Last week, eleven people were arrested during a protest at NYU of a speech being given by sentient dumpster-fire Gavin McInnes -- formerly of Vice Magazine, currently of varied attempts to be a hipster Rush Limbaugh. McInnes was speaking as the leader of his cool new crew, "The Proud Boys."

Will Sommer, who publishes Right Richter, a weekly newsletter on right-wing media, published a profile of said "Proud Boys" on Medium this weekend, and boy are they ever interesting. Wait, no. Not interesting. Stupid. They are incredibly stupid and honestly rather pathetic. If I were ranking doofy male identity groups, I would rank them below Red Pillers and only slightly above Men Going Their Own Way.

Apparently, according to the official Proud Boys Facebook page, they are a "pro-Western fraternal organization." So basically a frat for alt-right losers who are not actually in college. It's mostly for straight white dudes, but black men and gay men are allowed to join as well, provided that "they are Western Chauvinists and recognize that white men are not the problem" and "they don’t whine about racism or blame it for their problems."

OH. Also if you are a "Proud Boy" you are not allowed to masturbate more than once a month unless it is within a yard of a woman. (Given, this seems an unlikely scenario for such men.) Also you have to wear Fred Perry shirts -- a fashion generally favored by skinheads. No word though on whether or not they also go around lecturing people on how the original skins were not actually racist but rather a working class reaction to the mods, something, something two-tone ska. I feel like they probably do not. I figure they probably just latched on to the Fred Perry shirts because Republicans have never been particularly good at coming up with their own shit.

Let's see! What else! There are three steps one must take in order to become a "Proud Boy." The first is declaring yourself one. Then, you have to recite five kinds of cereals while a bunch of other "Proud Boys" gently "punch" you. Because whimsy. Then you have to get the official tattoo.

Also you have to "venerate the entrepreneur" and encourage women to be housewives. Obviously, you also have to love Donald Trump, because that is what this is mostly about anyway.

Basically they are dudes who just desperately want to go back to the same time Archie Bunker wanted to go back to, so they can feel culturally relevant again. Or something.

Now, being that they are all very tough and masculine and what have you, they get their name from a song from the Broadway version of Disney's "Aladdin," in which Aladdin sings a song to his mom about being sorry for having been a troublesome kid. The name, much like McInnes's stupid mustache, is meant to be ironic, because who could be proud of a boy singing such an apologetic song! Or something like that!

However! They do like to sing other songs! Songs they made up themselves! That they sing while wearing fedoras!

It is truly a shame that evil leftists dominate the entertainment industry, never allowing conservative talent like this to break out to the mainstream. Probably just 'cause they are not actually very good at even pretending to be playing guitar.

Of course, it's still not as good as the official MGTOW theme song.

I mean, who can really compete with lyrics like this anyway?

"Hypergamy, she only sees, the millionaire.

Child support, alimony, and of course welfare.

of course welfare...

Looking pretty, but she wants, your six figures

At the court, half your money, classic gold digger

gold digger…"

I guess we'll try to keep an eye on the Proud Boys, in case they actually do anything interesting other than not masturbating and whining about how it's not fair that they don't have housewives, but let's hope they keep to themselves.

[Will Sommer]

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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