Being A Cop Is Just Like Being Black Or A Woman, Say Sad Oppressed Cops

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Remember how we all laughed at pro-cop counter-protesters carrying "blue lives matter" signs and cops tweeting things like "cop lives matter," and we figured it was so absurd, the people saying it had to mean it to be tongue in cheek? Evidently, the Fraternal Order of Police, a 300,000-member union, is demanding that violence against police officers be treated as a hate crime. They've drafted up a letter and have sent it to President Obama and are 100 percent serious about it: 

“Right now, it’s a hate crime if you attack someone solely because of the color of their skin, but it ought to be a hate crime if you attack someone solely because of the color of their uniform as well,” said Jim Pasco, the executive director of the National Fraternal Order of Police.

That ... that's not the same thing at all. That's not even a closely related thing. These two things are strangers and not because they're estranged or long-lost cousins, but because they do not share family members, bloodlines, or ancestries. Like, just because you can put the words in the same order and they both have "color" in them doesn't mean that you've made a meaningful and operational analogy. There needs to be a phrase for when, instead of actually doing the difficult, halting work of constructing a persuasive argument or concept, they shortcut it by haphazardly re-purposing a totally different argument or concept that everyone believes by swapping out whichever words nouns they feel like. Like, you know how pretty much everyone agrees that advocating for "white power" is racist, given the specific history of the usage of the words "white" "power" and their combination into the two word phrase "white power"? Well, if you want to argue that "black power" is racist, all you need to do is substitute "black" for "white" in "white power" and voila -- a contradiction! Either "black power" is racist, or "white power" is not racist! You don't have to think about what the history of the racial description of "black" or "white" might change the way you interpret these two phrases. You're done! Let's call it Mad Libs Math, in honor of the popular dada party game.

Once you master Mad Libs Math, you can apply it everywhere! Lots of people agree that "crimes committed against women because of their gender belong in a special category", so just subsittute "cops" for "women" (they're both nouns!) and "profession" for "gender" (also both nouns!) and by magic, crimes against cops because of their profession belong in a special category! Everyone agrees that having sex with your husband is not incest, so you can simply substitute in a different family relationship for "husband." Your dad is also your family member, and therefore having sex with your dad is also not incest! You like bell peppers on your pizza? Then you must like okra on your pizza, too! You don't? Why do you hate the police so much! Are you racist against the police?

Asked about the push today, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said the initiative is "something that we'll have to consider." Earnest said the task force on policing convened by President Barack Obama would consider the hate crimes idea.

Not "we will" consider, but he'll go so far as to say "we'll have to consider it," like it's an extreme but sensible measure that they're going to give serious thought to, rather than a non-starter he's giving lip service to in order ward off criticism of Obama from the police unions. Encouraging!

I look forward to hearing more about the innovative policy proposals we can generate simply by replacing words in sentences that make sense with other, completely different words. Who knew Mad Libs would be so #relevant in 2015?

[Yahoo! News]

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