Being God's Chosen Presidential Candidate Giving Ted Cruz Nasty Case Of Stigmata

Things are getting rough out there for Ted Cruz, ever since God and Jesus personally visited his dad Rafael Cruz late at night to put a baby in his butt to tell Ted he's supposed to run for president of America. So young Teddy did answereth the call to be The Chosen One, and HOLY FUCKBISCUITS, it sucks! That is the message of Cruz's latest whore-grifter campaign email, published Thursday by Mother Jones, and he needs your money to end his pain and suffering.

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Here are all the reasons Ted Cruz hates getting up every single day of his godforsaken life:

He can't see his family anymore: "Spending almost every day on the campaign trail or fighting on the Senate floor means precious little time spent with my wife, Heidi, and my daughters -- the very family that gives me the motivation and drive to fight."

TOO MUCH PIZZA, and none of his native Cuban-Canadian food: "Health and sleep: My runoff campaign for the Senate in 2012 took a toll, but now I'm sacrificing even more sleep with long nights and constant travel. And the pizza diet is a staple on the campaign trail."

God doesn't reimburse for travel costs associated with being The Chosen One: "Finances: the cost of campaigning back and forth across the country for president is increasingly expensive, but Heidi and I are willing to invest our livelihoods into this sacrifice." Wait, we thought he never got to see Heidi?

He doesn't even have time to rub one out or talk to Jesus, sometimes simultaneously, 'cause there's always people around, triflin' all up in his business: "Personal time: You think of this the least, but as a candidate, my days are no longer my own. Days start before dawn and many times don't end until early the next morning. There is almost no personal time when you run for president."

But he HAS TO run for president, even though it is the worstest and he just wants to go home. So won't you give him $35, $100, $250 or $1,000 to "restore America?"

He can't save the country -- by de-gaying the Supreme Court, murdering the federal government once it's done cleaning up from the floods in Texas flooding, and just generally being a total asshole -- unless America's wingnuts give him all their moneys.

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Won't you join him? PLEASE? The sooner you click that donation link above, the sooner America will be saved, and the sooner Ted Cruz can stop crying about how much he hates everything.

[Mother Jones]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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