Thank$ America

You might be wondering when world-renowned brain surgeon and world-class napper Ben Carson will gracefully bow out of the year's most exciting reality television programme, "GOP Primary Shit Show Fuckstastrophe Civil War Extravaganza 2016." He's not winning any primary contests, or even the coveted second or third or fifth place in any primary contests. And his campaign recently admitted he's probably not going to win the nomination, though he should at least be somewhere on the ticket, for his unique being African-American skills. But when is Carson going to stop this charade of running, or at least sleepily strolling, for president? The answer is never, suckers:

This campaign has gained momentum, and I continue to be honored and humbled by the many people who put their faith in me.

On the day before the Super Tuesday contests -- so far only four states have had their say in this election and just five percent of delegates have been assigned -- I offer the people a different choice from the other candidates, one they deserve to be able to make for themselves, as they support the principles in which they really believe. [...]

It is a fundamentally undemocratic response to insinuate that people should be stripped of their choice “for the good of the party.” That’s why I’ve vowed to continue our campaign as long as we have revenue and support, until the people have decided.

Last we'd checked, no one was calling on Ben Carson to drop out of the race for the good of the party because Carson's presence in the race is making zero point zero zero zero zero zero maybe one percent difference, and that's not expected to change on Super Tuesday. Calls coming from inside the House to unite behind a Not Trump candidate -- Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz, it doesn't even matter -- make no mention of Carson.

Furthermore, last we'd checked, Carson didn't have a whole lot of support either. He is so utterly harmless and non-threatening that he's got Donald Trump standing up for him, demanding Carson get more talk time during the GOP debates, and shaming Ted Cruz for being such a vote-thieving meanie liar-pants to poor old hapless helpless half-asleep Ben.

Carson, though, will not be bullied by the pundits and those dickjobs who work for the Cruz campaign who insist it's time for him to go bye-bye:

It seems to get nastier at every turn, as campaign flacks dressed up as journalists line up to savage candidates whose campaigns they see as a threat to their preferred politician. Some have even gone so far as to question my faith, integrity or party loyalty because I won’t kowtow to their demands to step away from the primary process.

Is this what has become of politics in the world’s greatest democracy?

That's right, Carson's campaign is about democracy. And "the will of 'We the People' of America," a subject on which Carson is A Expert. He's got this new book, see, about Thomas Jefferson and the other guys who wrote the Constitution with Jesus, "because almost all Americans know that we have a Constitution, but not many people know what’s in it." And that, friends, is why Carson is not giving up:

I trust that the American people will soon wake-up and realize that leadership is not about how one speaks, but rather the life one leads.

My candidacy is about restoring the principles of self-government by running as a true citizen-statesman who is accountable to all and beholden to none.

Yes, Carson is just woke enough to know the American people will also wake up from their naps too, very soon, and they will join Carson in his mission to restore self-government to the government. Or at least they will be upright enough to reach for their credit cards, click on his website, give him some sweet wingnut "revenue," as the founders intended. Which, we assume his book explains, is in the Constitution too.

[Fox News]