Ben Carson Remembers That Time Ben Franklin Gave God A Beej
Straight from the history books
Brilliant brain doctor Ben Carson is not only great at butchering live baby parts in half (true story!), but he is also great at historical fiction. And not just the Bible kind, though that is his specialty. In October, Carson appeared on Jesus TV -- as a "spokesperson for the Lord," according to host Marcus Lamb -- to spin some more yarns and promote his book, A More Perfect Union, which he explains he wrote "because almost all Americans know that we have a Constitution, but not many people know what's in it." (Including the good doctor, as we have discussed before, once or a thousand times.)
Here is a fun funny funtimes tale about our founders, from Carson's imagination:
I think they were geniuses, and I think they were divinely inspired. You know, the whole thing was about to fall apart in 1787, and Benjamin Franklin, the elder statesman, said, “Gentleman! During the pre-revolutionary days and the Revolutionary War, everything out of your mouth was 'God save us,' and now you don’t want to talk to God. Let’s get down on our knees and ask God to give us wisdom.” And they knelt and prayed, and they got up and they put together 16-and-a-third-page document that's one of the most admired and substantial documents in the history of mankind.
And then after the founders got up from their knees, they shared a family-size bucket of chicken at their local Popeyes Organization. Or not. You already know, because Ben Carson, that some or all of that story is not a thing that happened. But BuzzFeed talked to actual historians to confirm that Ben Franklin did not in fact lead the other founders in a prayer circle because most of them "thought Prayers unnecessary." How we do for sure know that? Because Franklin himself wrote so. And yet somehow, those founders managed to let Thomas Jefferson craft the Constitution for them anyway, even without God murmuring sweet freedom words in their ears like He's always doing with Ben Carson.
Heck, God's the one who told Carson to run for president in the first place! As he explains to Lamb, after he became wingnut famous in 2013 for Hating Obama While Black, the whole conservative universe tried to draft him to run for president. After receiving "5000 petitions" a week -- enough to fill a whole room, or maybe a whole Egyptian pyramid! -- Carson had one of his regular girl talks with the chief surgeon in the sky:
I finally said, “Lord, I don't particularly want to do this. This is not on my bucket list. But if you want me to do it, you open the doors, and I'll walk through them. And if you close the doors, I'll sit down.” And the doors began flying open.
Sadly, Carson doesn't have video of God opening the doors for him, maybe because the liberal media has hidden it along with the video of Muslims celebrating 9/11 in New Jersey. Or the Middle East, wherever, easy to confuse them. However, by the look of things, God's kinda over his Carson LOLs, and is juuuuuust about ready to slam those doors shut. We'd hope Carson's ass doesn't bruise too badly, but we have faith he can treat himself with some of those miraculous nutritional supplements from a company he definitely did not have sexual relations with, for 10 years. We hear they're so good, they can even cure cancer.