Doctor Ben Carson, the neurosurgeon who thinks Obamacare is theworst thing since slavery, went on "The View" Tuesday and explained how we can Save America: “We have to help re-educate people about what America is,” a turn of phrase surely that no wingnut would ever freak out about. Perhaps camps could even be provided for the purpose. And what you need to do to help people realize their dream is to free them from the government's neo-Marxist welfare teat. And what greater waste of human potential is there than the enslavement of getting help with food and healthcare? Luckily Dr. Carson can explain for us why welfare and food stamps that helped him as a child were the good kind of welfare and food stamps, as opposed to the moocher 47 percent freeloader kind you get today.

When you rob someone of their incentive to go out there and improve themselves, you are not doing them any favors. When you take somebody and pat them on the head and say, ‘There, there, you poor little thing. … Let me give you housing subsidies, let me give you free health care because you can’t do that.’ What would be much more empowering is to use our intellect and our resources to give those people a way up and out.

It's so true -- once you get on government assistance, your will to earn your own keep is sapped forever. Yr. Doktor Zoom was on unemployment once, and look at him now -- writing dick jokes for money. Or look at Dr. Ben Carson, who despite being born into poverty, was miraculously untainted by the government assistance that his mother received, as Reading is For Snobs points out: "for some strange reason, the evil welfare system didn't seem to destroy the incentive for his own mother to go out and make things better for her and her family":

No doubt, Mother Carson deserves tremendous credit, but -- in the words of a political sound bite from the last presidential election -- she didn’t do it alone. Carson, in his book, tells how his grades improved tremendously when a government program provided him with free eyeglasses because he could barely see. Not only that, in “Gifted Hands” we read this nugget: “By the time I reached ninth grade, mother had made such strides that she received nothing but food stamps. She couldn’t have provided for us and kept up the house without that subsidy.”

Now hold on just a darn second here. Carson got free Government Glasses, and his mom received government largesse well beyond food stamps, which were the last step that helped her become independent? Why, that sounds disturbingly neo-Marxist! Happily, a Politico profile explains the difference between Good Poors like Ben Carson's mother, and Lazy Takers like everyone who is enslaved by today's big government programs that keep getting cut back year after year:

It’s hard not to see Carson’s own upbringing coming into view here. He grew up in meager surroundings in Detroit and Boston, in a family that made use of public assistance programs like food stamps. The culture was different then, Carson insists. “I think there was a time when people were not proud of taking handouts,” he said. “There were more people who did have that drive and determination. You do what you have to do."

You see, the chief difference is that Carson's mom felt appropriately ashamed of being poor, whereas no one today is publicly shamed enough. This is why it's so very important to drug test welfare recipients and inspect their shopping carts for illicit crab legs. Back then, poor people (especially Ben Carson's mother) were better than they are now, because handwaving magic Great Society Obamacare free market good old days, just like it's cool that Paul Ryan is a self-made man who supported himself with his father's Social Security benefits that he earned on his own, and Craig T Nelson never got a handout from anyone when he was on welfare and food stamps:

It seems they just don't make poor people like they used to, that's the problem.

[Reading is for Snobs]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He never cared for the government peanut butter, but the cheese was pretty good.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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