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Imagine Speaker of the House Ben Carson. And try not to die laughing.


Another exciting installment in the Choose Your Own Adventure series that is Ben Carson's fascinating whoa-if-true (but probably not true) life story! According to reliable source Ben Carson, in 2014 -- long before Republicans forced Speaker John Boehner to quit his job, leaving the Grand Ol' Party in a disarrayed panicked puddle of its own tears, countless millions of Boehner frenemies turned to Carson to lead them out of the wilderness:

House Republicans reached out to GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson in 2014 about replacing John Boehner as Speaker of the House, Carson told The Hill on Thursday.

“They were looking for an alternative, they were looking for someone strong and courageous who might really be able to add some spine and some backbone,” Carson said. “I was very flattered that there were several members that thought I’d fit the bill very well, but I think it played out correctly the way that it did.”

Do we believe this story is even the slightest bit remotely possible? Haha, fuck no we don't! But maybe we should because another source says no, seriously, it totally happened:

A second source with knowledge of the situation said that in 2014 “several” House conservatives summoned Carson to Capitol Hill to pitch him on the idea of becoming the next Speaker in the event that they were successful in voting the Ohio Republican out of the position in 2015.

Do we have reason to assume this "second source" is probably Ben Carson's wife, Candy? Haha, fuck yes we do! She is a very secondhand storyteller when it comes to her husband's many superhuman, super-heroic tales.

[contextly_sidebar id="t6Ya9uinFb87PfVSoOQrF8u97VfubXEh"]But lo, Arizona Rep. Matt Salmon, proud member of the House Freedom Caucus of Nihilist Hostage-Takers Who Want To Blow Up The Government, says he was one of three (that counts as "several," right?) members who asked Dr. Carson if he was interested in overthrowing the leadership and becoming their new master.

[contextly_sidebar id="dfNq0mCkSkS2DN0D4L5zv9bDnOPIXQUn"]In 2014, Carson was mostly known as a highly skilled brain surgeon, a popular opponent of Obamacare on the wingnut welfare circuit, and a shill for nutritional supplements that totally cured his cancer. So it makes perfect sense that his name would be on the short list of outsiders who'd be able and willing to help launch a coup against Boehner and lead congressional Republicans to victory.

Alas, the doctor had plans to sell his book "run for president" so he had to decline the offer. Given Carson's impressive performance during the Republican pre-primary season, including his recent vow to fire his entire staff for allowing him to look like so dumb, this was clearly the right call. Besides, he wouldn't want to resemble that lazy senator-in-name-only from Florida:

“It would have pretty much ruined my presidential bid,” Carson said. “It would have been very difficult to do my job as the Speaker of the House while running for president. You’ve seen how difficult a time Sen. Rubio is having fulfilling his senatorial obligations. The Speaker of the House has even more obligations."

Oooh, Rubio might want to see a doctor for that sick burn. Perhaps he could make an appointment with Dr. Carson. We hear he can work medical miracles with only his two gifted hands and a hair pin.

[The Hill]

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