Donate

Ben Quayle Thanks Ronald Reagan For the Free Jelly Beans

News

Ben Quayle is aPolitico op-ed contributor? Of course Ben Quayle is a Politico op-ed contributor. "When I was a child, President Ronald Reagan was the nice man who gave us jelly beans when we visited the White House." Sure, the nice old man's mind didn't always seem to be there, and half the time the jelly beans were actually his cats, but at least he thought they were jelly beans, and that was what was important for America. Wow, a pointless editorial framed by an inane story just to show the writer knows famous people? That's pretty advanced for a new op-ed writer. This is the kind of stuff that's usually written by men who haven't been relevant to the political discourse for thirty years but are somehow still paid big bucks by the Washington Post to be out of touch. Expect them to hire this Ben Quayle fellow!


I didn’t know then, but I know it now: The jelly beans were much more than a sweet treat that he gave out as gifts. They represented the uniqueness and greatness of America — each one different and special in its own way, but collectively they blended in harmony.

A great multitude of jelly beans Ronald Reagan could charge with drug crimes and kill in the electric chair. And then there was harmony for the coconut ones.

Reagan also knew the importance of words and their impact when it came from the American people. This innate understanding gave birth to his Brandenburg Gate speech. His speechwriters and advisers didn’t want the famous lines to be said — but he put them back in. Then, in West Berlin, Reagan uttered the line that has gone down in history “Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.”

And then when the Wall finally fell, Reagan's brain was rice pudding, Mr. Gorbachev was long gone, and Germans did it themselves. But sure, let's all credit the nice Big Tobacco man with the bowl of jelly beans he coughed all over but wouldn't let the AIDS people touch.

Anyway, yes, Ben Quayle, you are also Ronald Reagan. Congratulations.

You have Alzheimer's. [Politico]

$
Donate with CC

It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...

Giphy

SCARED!

In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc