Ben Shapiro So Good At Knowing About Sex And Bodies And Stuff

Before we get back to your regularly scheduled "Everything I Don't Like Is Woke" Festival ("What's in the news this week? Bank collapse? OK, woke banks is a stretch, but we think we can do it!" — all Republicans) let's visit with our old pal Ben Shapiro real quick, because he's talkin' sex and bodies and sex bodies.

You know how good he is at knowing about sex and bodies and sex bodies. He was famously a virgin until he got married, at which point we assume he became not a virgin. And when a song came out that talked about a "wet ass pussy," he marched in to his wife, who is a doctor, and said, "Wife? What kind of medieval DISEASE could make a woman's P-WORD become WET ASS?"

And we all laughed and laughed.

Today's subject is Germanic nipples, and who is allowed to show them at the swimming pool. We guess there's a new rule in Berlin where women can go topless in public pools, and oh boy, Ben Shapiro is MAD ABOUT THAT. "Exposed lady nipples? Five-thousand miles from me? What's next? WET ASS MUSCHI?" (Honestly, that is what Google Translate says.)

What is your favorite part of the video? We like 22 seconds in, when Shapiro says "tits" like it is a word he's always been allowed to say, because he's a grown man. And then there's 36 seconds in, when Shapiro makes an editorial comment about a woman going topless — in Europe — having some kind of unhealthy effect on that woman's five-year-old son. Because if a child finds out about boobies, it's a slippery slope to being aware of boobies as an adult?

Or "tits," as casual and cool guy who knows about sex Ben Shapiro refers to them?

No, the best part is around the 50-second mark, where a perturbed Ben quotes the woman in question to correct her, saying, "No, men's chests are not, generally, considered a secondary sexual characteristic." Ben knows about sexual characteristics, both primary, secondary and possibly even tertiary. Women's chests? SEXXX. Of the secondary variety! Men's chests? No way.

This is why nobody has ever googled "Andrew Garfield shirtless" ever in the history of the world since the Oscars the other night. Or "Henry Cavill shirtless" probably weekly, how would we know.

This is why no guy ever goes to the gym because they want to look good without their shirts on. Ben knows this quote about bodies is not correct, and we bet it is not what his mom and dad taught him when he was a 24-year-old virgin:

“For me — and I teach this to my son — no, there is no such difference. For both men and women, the breast is a secondary sexual characteristic but men have the freedom to remove their clothes when it is hot and women do not.”

No that's wrong, Ben says it's wrong, and Ben Shapiro is aware of all sexual traditions.

He then said this is Germany "embracing full-on androgyny," and we could get into a deeper discussion about this, but we're not here for that. We're here to make fun of Ben Shapiro and be through with it.

Finished now.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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