Best Pals Ted Cruz And John Kasich Will Use Buddy System To Defeat Donald Trump
Fools, all of 'em
The Republican primary is pathetic again. Donald Trump is sailing toward the nomination, a truth that horrifies all sane people. But Ted Cruz and John Kasich have come up with a plan to stop him, hooray! It won't work, though. (Hooray?) You see, in a few of the upcoming primary contests, the two campaigns have decided to work together like best pals, in order to stop Trump from reaching the magic 1,237 delegates he needs to be immediately crowned King of Republicans at the GOP convention:
Senator Ted Cruz and Gov. John R. Kasich of Ohio have agreed to coordinate in future primary contests in a last-ditch effort to deny Donald J. Trump the Republican presidential nomination, with each candidate standing aside in certain states amid growing concerns that Mr. Trump cannot otherwise be stopped.
In a statement late Sunday night, Mr. Cruz’s campaign manager, Jeff Roe, said that the campaign would “focus its time and resources in Indiana and in turn clear the path for Governor Kasich to compete in Oregon and New Mexico.”
Minutes after Mr. Roe’s statement, the Kasich campaign put out a similar message. The Ohio governor’s chief strategist, John Weaver, said that his campaign would shift its resources to states in the West and “give the Cruz campaign a clear path in Indiana.”
Well that's pitiful. Trump does not find this plan terrific, tremendous, elegant, or in any way YOOGE:
So Cruz and Kasich are just hoping against hope that if they give each other's campaigns these reach-arounds, they will win those states and Trump won't make 1,237 and then YAYAYAYAYAYAY, brokered convention! Of course, they're not doing the other remaining states on this buddy system, so we're skeptical as to how committed to this plan they really are. Moreover, Kasich is already being A BAD BUDDY, saying he still wants people to vote for him Indiana, even though his best pal Ted Cruz is supposed to get that state, right?
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/599878/john-kasich-math-is-stupid-the-moon-is-stupid-votes-is-stupid"></a>[/wonkbar]Ted Cruz wasn't always into brokered conventions. There was a time when he was like "NO I AM GOING TO WIN FAIR AND SQUARE TO DEFEND MY WIFE'S HONOR" and everybody was like "Oh ok, sure." Kasich has been 100% behind the idea for a while, though, because he knows that he is the moderate Republican savior the GOP is yearning for, except for how they haven't really shown that with their votes.
And will this little plan even work? Will Indiana rain poutine-scented dildo-love down on Ted Cruz while Oregon and New Mexico tackle John Kasich in a puppy pile, thus denying Donald Trump the nomination? Slate says maybe, maybe not:
If Cruz ekes out a narrow victory in Indiana and knocks Trump further off his path to the nomination, the whole thing will, of course, look brilliant. But if Trump prevails in Indiana, there will rightfully be plenty of second-guessing about why Cruz and Kasich waited so long to strike the deal, and why they stopped short of a full-fledged partnership given the stakes. As it stands now, both men stand to gain more than they lose from their current deal. If they really want to stop Trump, though, eventually one or both may need to make a decision that actually works against their own self-interest.
Hahahaha not gonna happen. But maybe! Maybe Cruz and Kasich's plan will work out amazingly, and they will be president of losing to Hillary Clinton in November! Or maybe Trump will still get the nomination and the entire GOP will continue going down in flames, and also he will lose to Hillary. These fuckin' dipshits, we swear to God ...