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F*ckin' Right Beto's Coming For Your F*ckin' Guns

Guns

Conservative gun humpers are freaking out because Beto O'Rourke is not content with Americans routinely dying from gun violence in the name of "liberty." After a shooting spree this weekend in West Texas left seven people dead and dozens more injured, O'Rourke refused to offer trite "thoughts and prayers" like your average, useless NRA-owned Republican.

O'ROURKE: Not sure how many gunmen, not sure how many people have been shot. Don't know how many people have been killed, the condition of those who have survived. Don't know what the motivation is, do not yet know the firearms that were used, or how they acquired them. But we do know that this is fucked up.

Look at Beto dropping an R-rated protest song on our asses! And although no woman candidate could ever get away with such bluntness, he's 100 percent correct: This is fucked up. How else do you describe two mass shootings in the same state in the same month? Imagine Texas was a separate country: Suburban helicopter parents wouldn't let their teenage kids make bad decisions there during spring break. A 17-month-old child was shot in the goddamn face! If Marvin Gaye was alive, he wouldn't bother with "What's Going On," he'd go straight to "This Is Fucked Up, Y'all."


We watched Governor Greg "Please, NRA, Don't Hurt Me" Abbott read a text from the traumatized mother whose child was shot in the face. He seems to have fully accepted that this is our world now. O'Rourke thinks that's bullshit and wants to take actions that make sense. None of his ideas are that radical, but they would sell fewer guns so the NRA's puppet politicians object. Texas Senator Ted Cruz's response to the crisis was to lecture Alyssa Milano about liberty-making assault weapons (Twitter is awesome). He patiently explained to Phoebe that Americans have a "God-given" right to "defend" their homes. How many children have to get shot in the face before someone tells this asshole about SimpliSafe?

The Republican response to gun violence is to shrug and say it's a shame that everyone is so damn crazy. They don't consider this a compelling reason to restrict gun access in any way. They just point at all the flies while refusing to close the doors and windows.

O'Rourke caught some heat when he clearly stated without stuttering that an assault weapon ban, which most Americans support, would require a mandatory buyback of all AK-47s and AR-15s currently in circulation. He refused to "reassure" the gun-obsessed that he wasn't coming for their penis substitutes.

Assault weapons aren't Robin Thicke CDs. You can't just wait for them to turn up in cut-out bins. There are 15 million "military-style rifles" in the shaky hands of people who think the Joker movie speaks to them. The life expectancy of an assault weapon is far greater than those who encounter them. You can only fix the problem by confiscating every single one of these mass murder machines.

We're not Guns & Ammo subscribers, but we know that assault weapons aren't the only guns available to the hopelessly paranoid. Assault weapons were banned in the US for a 10-year period between 1994 and 2004, which coincided with a decrease in mass shootings and a dramatic increase in presidential blow jobs. However, all other guns still existed. That's why action films released during this period don't feature Arnold Schwarzenegger or Bruce Willis pointing their index fingers at people and shouting "bang!"

Countries with politicians who aren't owned by the gun lobby have responded sensibly to mass shootings. It's fucked up that America can't do the same. Gun lovers are afraid an assault weapons ban will mean the "death of the Second Amendment." That's completely irrational, but even if they were right, we'd prefer the death of an outdated relic from slave-holding times to the continued senseless deaths of actual human beings today.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle.

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