Biden Beats Up On Deposed Trump In Second Victory Speech Behind Gym
Joe Biden won the presidency again Monday after the Electoral College voted. Even Donald Trump's former boss, Vladimir Putin, congratulated the president-elect. Putin was probably waiting to see how that latest set of Kraken suits turned out. The bar's so low for Republicans to slither under these days that we're thrilled to see a whopping handful of them acknowledge reality after yesterday's vote. This includes Senators John Thune, Roy Blunt, Joni Ernst, John Barrasso, Rob Portman, Shelley Moore Capito, and Mike Rounds.
However, human toadstool Lindsey Graham insisted that there's still "a very, very narrow path for the president," who lost the election weeks ago. Graham thinks we should "let those legal challenges play out." Trump is currently 1 for 59, so it's not going well.
After the Electoral College vote was certified and it was officially all over except for Trump's crying, Biden addressed the public and called out President Sore Loser's “legal challenges" for what they are: a baseless smear campaign, backed by intimidation tactics, that undermined democracy and attempted to overturn a free and fair election.
BIDEN: In America, politicians don't take power, people grant power to them. The flame of democracy was lit in this nation a long time ago. And we now know nothing, not even a pandemic or an abuse of power, can extinguish that flame. And as the people kept it a flame, so too did courageous state and local officials and election workers. American democracy works because America makes it work at a local level. One of the extraordinary things we saw this year was that everyday Americans, our friends and our neighbors, often volunteers, Democrats, Republicans, independents, demonstrating absolute courage, they showed a deep and unwavering faith in and a commitment to the law. They did their duty in the face of the pandemic. And then they could not and would not give credence to what they knew was not true. They knew this election was overseen, was overseen by them. It was honest, it was free and it was fair.
Yeah, take that, you delusional, wannabe tyrant!
Biden, like an actual president, said it was "simply unconscionable" that Trump and his thugs subjected "patriotic Americans" just doing their duty to “enormous political pressure, verbal abuse, and even threats of physical violence." This happened to election officials, members of state legislatures, and even electors who had to cast their votes at undisclosed locations for their own safety.
BIDEN: We owe these public servants a debt of gratitude. They didn't seek the spotlight, and our democracy survived because of them, which is proof once more that it's everyday America and infused with honor, character and decency that is the heart of this nation.
Biden also took a moment to share, in great, hilarious detail, all the ways Trump lost like a loser: Trump's crackpipe Kraken team brought "dozens and dozens and dozens of legal challenges," which were "heard again and again, and each of the time they were heard, they were found to be without merit," because they were garbage wrapped in leopard print. Trump's elite squad presented "arguments to state officials, state legislatures, state and federal courts, and ultimately to the United States Supreme Court twice." More than 80 different judges across the country laughed in their stupid faces.
Oh, and there were recounts, so many recounts that Biden kept winning, like a political version of Groundhog Day written by Aaron Sorkin.
BIDEN: The results in Georgia were counted three times. It didn't change the outcome. The recount conducted Wisconsin actually saw our margin grow. The margin we had in Michigan was 14 times the margin President Trump won that state by four years ago. Our margin in Pennsylvania was nearly twice the size of the Trump margin four years ago. And yet none of this has stopped baseless claims about the legitimacy of the results.
Biden also condemned Trump's last ditch "unprecedented assault on our democracy," an appalling effort signed onto by 17 Republican attorneys general and 126 Republican House members: Texas asked the Supreme Court to toss out 20 million votes in states that weren't Texas and "hand the presidency to a candidate who lost the Electoral College, lost the popular vote, and lost each and every one of the states whose votes they were trying to reverse."
BIDEN: It's a position so extreme, we've never seen it before. And position that refused to respect the will of the people, refused to respect the rule of law, and refused to honor our Constitution.
Biden made clear to even fools high on Newsmax that “every single avenue was made available" to Trump to contest reality and he was "denied no course of action," no matter how absurd its premise. He failed at every step because he's a big failure.
Trump tested our democracy like never before, and even if Republicans collectively failed this test, democracy itself prevailed. Trump won't go away, but Biden demolished and dismissed him. The 46th president declared that it's time to turn to page on the 45th, and we couldn't agree more.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).