Biden Tells Trump How To Handle Coronavirus Better: How About SHUT THE F*CK UP?

Donald Trump is just doing so awesome at handling this whole coronavirus thing, saying he's got a "natural ability" for knowing #VirusStuff and shaking hands with supporters even though everybody is like "No, Mr. President, that's the one thing we told you not to do!" Oh, and he's tweeting a lot.

Anyway, this is one of those situations where, on a grand scale, if Trump opens his mouth or takes any action at all, everybody becomes just a little more likely to get sick and die. In other words, it's like the rest of his presidency, just more yooger.

Joe Biden, who at this point is Trump's probable November opponent, has an idea for Trump, to maybe help his administration handle this better, and it is WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?

Biden explained the scientific rationale behind this advice to MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell:

O'DONNELL: Do you think the market reaction is a reaction to the markets realizing the president simply does not tell them or the world or this country the truth about this situation, and a market needs clear information.

BIDEN: I believe that's the case. Now it doesn't mean the market wouldn't still go down, but it wouldn't collapse, I don't think. Now, who can say? But I think there's no confidence in the president or anything he says or does. He turns everything into what he thinks is a political benefit for himself, and he's actually imploding in the process. But there's a lot of innocent bystanders that are being badly hurt. [...]

I wish he would just BE QUIET. I really mean it. That's an awful thing to say about a president, BE QUIET.

What he meant to say was SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE, DONALD. (But Trump misses his face! He said it on TV, how much he misses his face!)

Donald Trump is not going to shut the fuck up, and he's not going to be quiet either.

Gabe Sherman has some reporting in Vanity Fair about what's going on inside the White House, and it reveals surprising news about how the president is, in fact, a damned moron. "He wants Justice to open investigations of the media for market manipulation," Sherman reports one of his sources told him. That's right, Donald Trump wants Bill Barr, his low-rent cable access used condom Big Lots version of Roy Cohn over at Justice, to investigate the Fake News, for hurting the stock market and making him look bad.

Also he is scared the Fake News is going to cough coronaviruses all over him and make him sick:

As Trump pushes a nothing-to-see-here message in public, sources said he's privately terrified about getting the virus. "Donald is a famous germaphobe. He hates it if someone is eating nachos and dips a chip back in after taking a bite. He calls them 'double dippers,'" a prominent Republican said. Former Trump aide Sam Nunberg recalled Trump's response to the last major outbreak in 2014. "When I worked for Trump, he was obsessed with Ebola," Nunberg told me. [...]

Last week Trump told aides he's afraid journalists will try to purposefully contract coronavirus to give it to him on Air Force One, a person close to the administration told me. The source also said Trump has asked the Secret Service to set up a screening program and bar anyone who has a cough from the White House grounds. "He's definitely melting down over this," the source said.

Ooh, Wonkette knows about a very good way Trump could protect himself from coronavirus. It is called resign and never show your bad face in public again!

Sherman reports that Trump, even in the face of his fear, is still going to do his dumb Hitler rallies, because you know who is definitely more hygienic than White House journalists? Common Trump supporters. You know what they all say about the Trump supporters who go to the Trump rallies: "Golly, we hope the Trump supporters don't miss the Trump rally because they're too busy TAKING SHOWERS!"

They say that.

Other things Trump is upset about, according to Sherman: That maybe the White House team surrounding him is a big dumb idiot, and that his face looked like a big dumb idiot on the Fox News town hall last week. All of that is true.

So many fears for such a small man. Know what else Trump is afraid of? Sharks and stairs.

So if any White House employees are wondering what not to say in the presence of the president right now, "OH NO! THE SHARK ON THE STAIRS HAS THE CORONAVIRUS!" is probably top of list. Definitely don't say that.


[Vanity Fair]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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