'Big Government' Novelist-Contributor Has Biggest 'War on Terror' Scoop Of Decade, Until His Next One!


Ha ha ha, don't know how we missedthis earlier in the week, but a thriller novelist named Brad Thor has been publishing major major national security Scoops at Andrew Breitbart's Big Government joke blog: "Late this afternoon Lt. Colonel Oliver North confirmed that Taliban leader and Osama bin Laden ally, Mullah Mohammed Omar has been captured. The exclusive news of Omar’s capture was broken by Big Government Monday evening." Oh my god. "According to Colonel North, Omar was picked up in Karachi on March 27th by the Pakistani Inter-Services Intelligence Directorate (ISI) who placed him under house arrest in what they call 'community care.'" Sure, why not. Oliver North confirms to the trade paperback novelist at Andrew Breitbart's joke blog that Mullah Omar was captured a month and a half ago. Hmm... looking for possible holes here... eh, we give up. Fucking most valid scoop in history.

Here's some additional journalistically sound... random guessing by a novelist and Oliver North:

Of additional note in North’s reporting are the predictions that an immediate, Vietnam-style, “cease fire” may be a pre-requisite for talks, as might a demand that Omar be granted safe haven in Saudi Arabia. The latter likely being an untenable requirement for the United States.

One thing, though, is certain. As North puts it, there is a “near-total lack of intelligence on what’s really happening on the ground on either side of the Af-Pak border.” What little we are getting doesn’t seem to be getting to the appropriate people.

In light of this confirmation of Mullah Omar’s apprehension, a whole new set of questions now arise and have already started being asked around Washington. In particular, who knew what and when did they know it?

The Omar capture is only the tip of the iceberg. Expect to hear a lot more in the days and weeks to come.

For even more serious investigative journalism on this subject, see Brad Thor's related article "Mullah Omar Wants Peace! (And He’s Got Killer Deals on Oceanfront Condos in Kandahar too)," complete with a very serious stock image of a wacky old hippie. (You know, "peace," get it?)

Anyway, again, the novelist is claiming that MULLAH FREAKING OMAR, the leader of the Taliban and Osama bin Laden's Spiritual Brother (that's the muslin equivalent of "best bud") and perhaps even the most wanted person in all of Terrorismland -- yes, possibly more than Osama, since the main military goal right now is the Afghanistan war; besides, we can't capture Osama, it would make it harder to keep escalating Middle East wars! -- has been in custody since March 27 and only now is this, the Greatest News Ever, getting leaked to a novelist blog contributor, and Ollie North. Ollie North, who also knows that ISI wants amnesty and a condo in Saudi Arabia for Mullah Omar, a bratty, stupid negotiating demand that the United States Military & Diplomatic Corps simply cannot seem to work past. This is funny, but let's stop typing. A bloody steak for Brad Thor, the world's greatest journalist, tonight!

(No one believes it btw. If it turns out to be true, somehow, then, well... Intern Riley wrote this post. Eh?)

[Big Government]

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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