When Donald Trump lies to the American public and commits dumbass crimes, who is his favorite li'l helper? That's right, it is that TV dinosaur-lookin' low-rent gruntfuck version of Roy Cohn over there at the Justice Department, Bill Barr, who came into his position with little dignity and promptly beclowned himself so hard he now ranks below Steven Mnuchin when it comes to Serious Trump Officials Who Are Serious.

The Daily Beast is out with a story about how Barr is colluding with Trump to declare coronavirus TOTALLY EXONERATED, the same way Barr did coverups for Trump after the Mueller investigation, and in his big Ukrainian impeachment.

Last week Trump tried for days on end to declare that he has ABSOLUTE POWER to tell the states what to do, when they can lift their stay-at-home orders, and so on and so forth. He played serious for about five seconds toward the end of the week, pretending he was granting governors the power to do what was best for their states. But by Friday, he was on a Twitter bender supporting the moron astroturf "reopen the country" protesters, tweeting calls to "LIBERATE" blue states with Democratic governors who actually care if their citizens die of coronavirus.

The Beast reports that Barr, who agrees with Trump that these stay-at-home orders are "draconian," is teeing up to take the fight to the courts, so that by the time all the blue states and cities get their outbreaks under control, red states and small cities can fuck themselves to death with coronavirus just in time for November. (We never said their sinister plan was smart.)


Attorney General Bill Barr is now poised to support Trump's call for insurrection by turning to the federal courts—seeded with a legion of newly installed right-wing jurists—to undermine critical public-health protections on his boss' behalf.

The Beast notes that in the same Fox News interview almost two weeks ago where Barr said Trump was totally right to fire the intelligence community inspector general because that guy followed the law with the whistleblower complaint, Barr shared this news about the "draconian" stay-at-home policies that are literally saving American lives right now:

[Barr said] that "after April 30," the Department of Justice would begin to scrutinize such "restrictions on our liberty" more closely.

Uh huh. GIVE ME LIBERTY AND ALSO GIVE ME BIG SALES AT BIG LOTS!

Just after that interview, curiously enough, the astroturfed protests began, in order to manufacture the illusion that there were really both sides to this issue, or that large swaths of Americans are against the stay-at-home orders, when that is clearly not true.

Truly, they have gotten the entire band back together again:

Last Friday, members of a group founded by former Reagan Attorney General Edwin Meese wrote to Barr, asserting that states are engaged in "rampant abuses of… civil liberties" that raise "serious concerns about violating the basic protections and rights guaranteed under the United States Constitution" and asking the DOJ to "undertake immediate review of all the orders that have been issued by the states and local governments" to protect against the spread of the coronavirus.

Remember how Jim Jordan was just on Fox News screaming about how he wanted to investigate all the governors and mayors who are forcing people to stay the fuck at home? We would love to see some of these people's email chains right now, that is all we are saying.

The Daily Beast notes that Bill Barr is a founding member of the Federalist Society, therefore you'd think him and all these other fuckers wouldn't be so mad at states — even ones run by Democrats! — expressing their federalism by doing everything they can to protect their citizens from coronavirus while Trump plays with the lint in his orange butthair. Of course if you'd think that, you have made the common mistake of assuming shitholes like Bill Barr have guiding principles. Silly YOU.

Also, as any southern liberal can tell you, these fuckers' commitment to local control stops the second a smart blue city tries to do anything that makes a red state government shit its pants.

So what's this going to look like, in practice? Oh, Barr's Department of Justice is just going to intervene on the side of the Sicky McVirusSpreaders everywhere they can, especially by levying incessant bullshit charges of religious discrimination. And they're going to rely on Trump's wingnut child judges to get what they want. It's already happened in Mississippi, Kentucky, and Kansas. Surprise, every one of those cases was about the church bullshit. You know, because orders to close the bars and the gyms and the parks and the movie theaters are really just a way to prevent conservative Christians from reading the Bible and praying to the baby Jesus. (Know where you can totally do that shit? THE FUCK AT HOME!)

Of course, there was also the GOP's fight over the Wisconsin primary, which wasn't about the churches, but about the GOP's desire to rig a state supreme court election. (That sure did bite 'em in the ass.)

So this is where we are.

And what will be the result of this? Simple: Where Barr and Trump win, people will DIE. That is the long and fucking short of it, put it on their gravestones, the end.

[Daily Beast]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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