Bill Barr Knows Who Is TOTALLY EXONERATED Of Insider Trading, And It's Not Richard Burr!

Hey guess what you'll never guess OK we'll tell you!

Bill Barr's Justice Department has closed its insider trading investigations into three senators who made maybe suspicious stock sales after a big secret February coronavirus briefing, but is keeping its investigation into a fourth senator going. You will never guess who is TOTALLY EXONERATED.

She is just like Trump! JUST LIKE 'IM! And in a normal world where the American Justice Department wasn't run by a two-bit dinosaur baby Big Lots broken condom dispenser version of Roy Cohn, who lives only to serve as Trump's personal fixer, Loeffler being JUST LIKE 'IM might maybe mean she was in severe danger of being hauled away in handcuffs.

But nah.

Also totally exonerated are Republican James Inhofe and Democrat Dianne Feinstein, whose transactions honestly didn't look all that hinky in the first place. Kelly Loeffler's kinda did, though. And it also looked kinda hinky when Kelly Loeffler's husband Jeffrey Sprecher, the gabillionaire chair of the New York Stock Exchange, made a cool million Amero donation to a Trump PAC recently. Which Trump PAC? Same one that got the Ameros from Rudy's pals Lev and Igor. Why he do that? No reason, but definitely probably also reasons, not that we are implying anything untoward. We guess that million just had Trump's name on it.

Richard Burr, though? Republican of North Carolina? Who had to "step aside" from his chairmanship of the Senate Intelligence Committee? That investigation is not over.

As we wrote the day Burr peaced out of charing the Intel committee, two things can be true at the same time:

1) It's possible, nay likely, that Burr did some skeevy insider trading shit after he got that briefing in February on how bad coronavirus would really be.

2) The way authoritarian regimes work is that, if you are in their crosshairs, they like to find something legit if possible, to allow them to let you hang yourself.

Burr was the only one who did his stock dumpin' his-own-damn-self. And whatever the actual circumstances of Senator Loeffler's weirdass stock sales, she clearly wasn't dumb enough to send a text to her broker saying "DUMP THE HILTON STOCKS, BABE! PANDEMIC A-COMIN'!"

Meanwhile, the FBI seized all Burr's Obamaphones, which means a judge agreed they were very likely gonna find some shit there. So we may be dealing with a situation where Burr really was the only one stupid enough to get caught. But we are also very likely dealing with a situation where they would never be hanging Burr with this if they didn't have it out for him.

Ever. In Trump's America? Fuck.

If Burr was in good favor with Dear Leader and his wrinkly man-servant at Justice, it would be a DEEP STATE WITCH HUNT and whatever incriminating texts they might have found on Burr's Obamaphone would be a PERFECT CALL, READ THE TRASNASFPAUJICUDTIRIPT!11!

And again, class, why might they have it out for Burr? Oh yeah, because he kept signing all thoseSenate Intel Committee reports that said Russia totally attacked the 2016 election for Donald Trump's benefit. And the biggie — the final 1,000 page report on the committee's counter-intelligence findings about all the beds the Trump campaign shared with ALL THESE FUCKING RUSSIANS — is ready to go. Indeed, as Burr was walking out the door before handing the committee to Marco Rubio, he and Democratic Senator Mark Warner, Intel vice chair, jointly asked the Trump administration to please go ahead and declassify that report.

Again, two things can be true.

But again, Kelly Loeffler, congratulations on the TOTAL EXONERATION, and good luck with that whole Senate election thing, you've totally got that one in the bag now! Or not.

We are sure everything will work out as the Lord intends.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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