LOL WOMP WOMP, Bill Barr's terrible horrible week of being the worst Big Lots clearance version of Roy Cohn in recorded history just keeps getting worse! The news about the upcoming Department of Justice inspector general report has been bad (for Barr) and good (for reality) all week long, as we learned the other day that Barr is very disappointed and disagreeable and probably constipated about the fact that Inspector General Michael Horowitz has determined that actually the investigation into ties between the Trump campaign and Russia was correctly predicated, and actually was not the nefarious work of a Deep State cabal hellbent on taking down Trump, actually.

Now? The news is getting bad with his own Carmen-Sandiego-on-bath-salts investigation around the globe, where he appears to be seeking to manufacture fake evidence that the Russia investigation was #DeepState, and somehow thereby absolve Russia of responsibility for the 2016 election attacks, in service of his royal shitlord Donald Trump.

He had to do this despite how he said the Mueller Report TOTALLY EXONERATED Trump, which makes sense, because that was a lie.

Barr handpicked a US attorney to conduct the investigation for him, man by the name of John Durham, who is actually well-respected by current and former FBI/Justice types. Those guys traveled near and far to find "evidence" that the incident that kicked off the Russia investigation in the first place -- drunk-ass Trump foreign policy dude George Papadopoulos drunk-assedly drunked to an Australian diplomat that Russia was about to fuck Hillary Clinton right in the emails, which Pap knew because a weirdo bozo Maltese professor who is probably a Russian asset named Joseph Mifsud had told him so, leading the Australian government to go to the FBI -- was all some sort of Hillary/CIA/Deep State set-up to entrap the Trump campaign.

John Durham cannot sign on to that theory, LOL WOMP WOMP:


The prosecutor handpicked by Attorney General William P. Barr to scrutinize how U.S. agencies investigated President Trump's 2016 campaign said he could not offer evidence to the Justice Department's inspector general to support the suspicions of some conservatives that the case was a setup by American intelligence, people familiar with the matter said.

Justice Department Inspector General Michael Horowitz's office contacted U.S. Attorney John Durham, the prosecutor Barr personally tapped to lead a separate review of the 2016 probe into possible coordination between the Trump campaign and Russia, the people said. The inspector general also contacted several U.S. intelligence agencies.

Among Horowitz's questions: whether a Maltese professor who interacted with a Trump campaign adviser was actually a U.S. intelligence asset deployed to ensnare the campaign, the people said, speaking on the condition of anonymity because the inspector general's findings have not been made public.

But the intelligence agencies said the professor was not among their assets, the people said.

Golly, who's an attorney general gotta blow to get somebody to manufacture fake evidence to prop up a dipshit authoritarian president's conspiracy theories around here? Not John Durham, we guess!

If the Washington Post's reporting is correct, Durham ain't got no evidence of these fever dreams cooked up by Papadopoulos and Trump and whomever else, which makes sense because there ain't no evidence of that. The Post reports that this info will come out in Horowitz's report on Monday.

GOD, they've been pinning their hopes on this IG report. And GOD, they've been pinning their other hopes on the Barr-Durham dog-and-pony globe-trotting expedition, which is too a real investigation, you shut up right now!

And yet what's come out so far is that:

  • The investigation wasn't a Deep State plot, but rather a totally normal thing for the FBI to do.
  • It didn't start because BIASSSSSSSS against Trump, and no, Peter Strzok's and Lisa Page's text messages are not evidence of a SECRET SOCIETY hellbent on taking down Trump.
  • It didn't start primarily or solely because of the DODGY STEELE DOSSIER.
  • Yes, dear, it's OK for the FBI to spy on people like Carter Page, when they have good evidence that the Russians have been trying to cultivate that guy for YEARSFUCKINGYEARS.

And now mean John Durham won't even smoke whatever Bill Barr and Donald Trump and Devin Nunes are smoking. What a nerd!

BuzzFeed has some news related to this. Remember how part of the Barr-Durham sexxxy worldwide adventure promenade involved going to Italy to get what they thought might be very important evidence from the Italian government to bolster the paranoid delusions in Donald Trump's bad brain about WITCH HUNT? In fact, they heard a TAPED DEPOSITION from Joseph Mifsud, reportedly allegedly! At the time, Wonkette snarked that whatever info Mifsud might have had to share, we were sure it was very reliable.

Welllllllllll. About that.

In a story about how Mifsud's wallet and passport apparently spent 17 months in the lost-and-found at the airport in Portugal while everybody assumed Russia had probably accidentally kicked him down the stairs out of a 10th story window, BuzzFeed also reports on that alleged "taped deposition," three different versions of which were sent to Italian newspapers. While it notes that analysis from Bellingcat says the voice on the tape is "likely" Joseph Mifsud, let's just say that the BuzzFeed piece kinda seems to imply, at least by our reading, that the deposition might be fake.

Did Bill Barr and John Durham take a lovers' jet-ski boner romp to Italy to hear a fake deposition? We just do not know. But could be!

In summary and in conclusion, one of the funniest parts of Wednesday's impeachment hearing in the House Judiciary Committee came when GOP pizza-munching SCIF-invading idiot Rep. Matt Gaetz blubbered like a crazy person about JUST YOU WAIT until the IG report comes out, because MAYBE WE WILL HAVE TO IMPEACH BARACK OBAMA FOR SPYING AND DEEP STATE-ING AND WIRE TAPPS!

Y'all he was so mad:

Guess he hasn't seen literally any of the news this week about the coming IG report.

Shhhhhh, nobody tell him, it'll hurt worse if it's a surprise.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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