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Bill Clinton had been told by his wife in no uncertain terms that he was done yelling at black people. Why didn't he go to Santa Fe, and make some new friends there? Santa Fe's a great little town, full of old hippies. He would have a good time, and not get into too much trouble. Bill Clinton said okay.

Bill Clinton and his aides picked out a restaurant that looked nice. They saw a young guy. Maybe he would shake Bill Clinton's hand? But the young guy did not shake Bill Clinton's hand. The young guy treated him like he was George W. Bush or something. Shiiiiit, the only wars Bill Clinton started were NO WARS. But he ended a couple! He stopped some genocide! He installed Aristide over the gentle murmurs of a military coup. He sent the National Guard to scrub Exxon's oil off Alaska's otters or whatever. BILL CLINTON IS NOT YOUR ENEMY, WHIPPERSNAPPER, AND BILL CLINTON WILL HAVE YOUR LOVE.

The young guy instead challenged Bill Clinton. He was a Bernie Sanders supporter, not a Hillz-dog supporter. He probably called her neoliberal, and a bought-and-paid-for shill. His name was Brody, because OF COURSE IT FUCKING WAS, and he was 24 years old, because OF COURSE HE FUCKING WAS.

Bill Clinton was not fuckin' havin' it, Brody. For half an hour, he loomed over Brody and Brody's silent, embarrassed pals. Bill Clinton would follow Brody to the ends of the earth until he got the recognition from him that he had earned.

It didn’t take long for Clinton and Brody to dive deep into the 1990s, sparring about welfare reform and education spending, New Democrats and New Deal Democrats, and the former president’s Wall Street legislation, which Brody likened to “a golden parachute straight from the Treasury Department.”

“It’s a nice little narrative,” Clinton shot back.

Beside Brody, three friends ate their egg dishes in silence.

Brody said Bill Clinton cut all the departments. Bill Clinton said he doubled education. Brody said Bill Clinton did not double education. Bill Clinton's press department told Buzzfeed he meant for college. Wonkette has no idea if that is supposed to count or not. Bill Clinton said Brody was a cotton-pickin' cherry-picker.

The Sanders voter told Clinton that his administration had drawn down investments in “basically” every agency, naming the Department of Education in particular.

“I doubled education,” Clinton replied.

“If you go from the beginning to the end of your term, each of these departments have shrunk,” Brody said.

“That’s just wrong. I doubled education,” Clinton said. (Reached by email later on Wednesday, a spokesman said Clinton had been referring to federal spending and dollars allocated to college aid.)

“You have cherry-picked facts, which contradict the truth,” he added.

Bill Clinton was now an epistemologist. But Brody had probably read that metamodern rhetoricizing from this morning, and he was all woooooords? or something.

“If you never have to make a decision, then you can go back to the past and cherry-pick everything [for a] narrative that is blatantly false,” Clinton continued. “What you’re saying is false.”

“Seems like your narrative,” Brody responded, his voice louder than Clinton’s, “is that you did the best job that you could have possibly done from the most progressive standpoint that you possibly could have had.”

“No,” said Clinton.

“When the reality is you campaigned as a New Democrat,” Brody said, referencing the former Arkansas governor’s centrist platform in 1992. “And you said, we’re gonna basically move away from away from the old Democrats, the New Deal–style Democrat. So that’s what a lot of us want. So this is a philosophical difference.”

“No,” said Clinton. “It’s a rhetorical difference, too.”

Oh fuck, I think Bill Clinton read that drivel too.

Then Brody called Bill Clinton "Margaret Thatcher" -- classic Brody! -- and Bill Clinton punched him dead in the eye, because he was from the '90s and he remembered that Queen Latifah song "U-N-I-T-Y" and was all WHO YOU CALLIN' MARGARET THATCHER.

Then Bill Clinton received a round of applause from all the codgers just like when Buzz Aldrin punched that guy and we all were like YAHHHHH BUZZ ALDRIN, YOU PUNCH THAT PUNK! Except that last part didn't happen. At least until Bill Clinton went to sleep, and dreamed the impossible dream, and woke up, again, thinking about tomorrow.

[Buzzfeed]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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