Bill Cosby Will Rise From Dead, Give Brett Kavanaugh Jello Puddin' Pop

Video screenshot

Bill Cosby, convicted in April on three felony counts of sexual assault against Andrea Constand in 2005, was sentenced to three to 10 years in prison yesterday in Pennsylvania. He was taken directly from the courthouse to jail, and will be transported to prison later this week. His attorneys had asked he be sentenced to house arrest while he prepares an appeal, because he's old and blind, but Judge Steven O'Neill denied the request, saying Cosby could still be a danger to the community, even at 81. Good call, given that about 60 women have alleged he assaulted them.

The entire story is horrible, and so thank heavens Cosby's publicist, Andrew Wyatt, managed to make a complete ass of himself to offset all the awfulness. It's not much, but we'll take it.

For starters, there's the statement Wyatt made, accusing the court of engaging in "the most racist and sexist trial in the history of the United States," for which we bet most historians could, if they really tried, come up with a few score more credible candidates. Even given the very racist realities of the carceral state in America, this is some bullshit, especially given Cosby's reliance on the armor of money and celebrity to avoid responsibility for decades:

Yes, the "sex war" in Washington, too. You just bet Brett Kavanaugh has to feel good about being linked in the public discourse with Bill Cosby. But Wyatt wasn't finished: He got even stupider, pointing out that being convicted and punished doesn't mean justice has been done.

Now let's be clear -- Wyatt isn't saying Cosby is Jesus, but if he happens to return from the grave after three days and goes around distributing delicious creamy Jello products to all, you're going to feel pretty silly for laughing at him, now won't you?

Also, the betting pool is now open on when Donald Trump will tweet that he's pardoning Cosby, only to learn for the very first time he can't pardon anyone convicted on state charges.

And please, you Terrible Ones, remember that the Commenting Rules remain in effect. That means no prison rape jokes, you filthy fuckaducks.

[AP / Hollywood Reporter]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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