Bill O'Reilly Knows Why Kids These Days Are Stupid And Dumb, And It Is Facebook
O'Reilly: I thought Facebook was this thing where you just talk to your friends and stuff! How do you get NEWS on it?
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Well, BillO, how it works is like this. You click here to "like" yr Wonkette on Facebook. Then, throughout the day, when we write an article, we will post it ON FACEBOOK. Then, when you, Bill O'Reilly, get on Facebook to share memes about, we dunno, doing domestic violence to ladies or kitty cats, whatever you're into, you will see yr Wonkette's articles in your newsfeed, ON FACEBOOK! It is magic, we know.
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Baffled by this newfangled technology, O'Reilly enlists help from his friend Bernie Goldberg, who, while still being an idiot, is able to explain that Facebook, used correctly, can be like a "modern-day newsstand," where "you can get reliable, solid news, you can get unreliable, vile news also." Goldberg also makes a HAHA FUNNY and says that when O'Reilly was a young asshole, he got his news from writings on cave walls, because OLDSTER.
This bothers Bill O'Reilly, though, because he's worried that these dumb millennials won't be "educated voters" if they're relying on the Facebooks and the Googles, instead of watching "The O'Reilly Factor," weeknights on Fox News. Goldberg explains that Kids These Days just aren't going to sit around reading the New York Times, and says, "That train has left the station." BillO responds, we are not shitting you: "Well why did the train leave? Why can't the train come back?" Because trains are mean, Bill O'Reilly, and they go places without your old dickfaced ass.
Bill O'Reilly doesn't need any frivolous things like "Facebook" or "Google News" or the internet in general, because he gets his news delivered to him each day, "in a folder." You read that correctly. BillO is FAR too busy tinkering around in the garage to get on the internet and seek out vast, diverse sources of news, like yr Wonkette does, so instead, the Fox News people just put together all the stories they think he'd like ("Welfare Queen Admits She's Gaming The System" or "Michelle Obama: I Really Do Hate Whitey" might be headlines he'd be interested in), and they stick it in a manila folder for him to thumb through at his leisure, according to an interview O'Reilly did with WWD:
Do you ever get your news from the bigger digital players like Yahoo?Not really. I’m so busy reading and doing my projects and books. I get a summation of what’s around on Fox News and I get it in a folder.
IN A FOLDER. That's where you get news. Not on the FaceSpace. Jesus, why does Bill O'Reilly have to explain EVERYTHING to you stupid youngs?
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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