Bill O'Reilly Maybe YOU'RE FIRED! For His Hot Chocolate Falafel Crimes
We hope he's sad about this.
BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: FIRED BABY FIRED.Bill O'Reilly has been He has FUCKED IT AND DONE IT LIVE for the very last time. Hooray!
Bill O'Reilly, paragon of moral virtue, is still on "vacation." He deserves it! His new book about "American values" is topping the bestseller lists, and also there's that thing about how a bunch of new ladies have been complaining that O'Reilly is the grossest sexual harasser since Old President Grab-Em-Pusses. (For the record, Donald Trump thinks Bill O'Reilly is a very nice boy and does not know what all the fuss is about.)
Tuesday, two different kinds of news broke about Bill O'Reilly. One is that there is a new accuser, a woman who worked around but not for O'Reilly, and he was very gross to her (al ... legedly?), leering at her with his tiny troll eyes and calling her "hot chocolate," because she is a black lady. The other news is that maybe the Murdochs have finally decided Fox News can't afford to lose
its moral moorings all that ad money, and O'Reilly might get to go on "vacation" from his show FOREVER.
First up, the new accuser:
Bill O'Reilly used to leer at an African-American Fox News clerical worker and called her "hot chocolate," according to attorney Lisa Bloom, who helped the woman report the harassment to the network's hotline. [...]
"He would never talk to her, not even hello, except to grunt at her like a wild boar," Bloom tells The Hollywood Reporter. "He would leer at her. He would always do this when no one else was around and she was scared."
How nice. He wasn't even her boss, he was just some perv down the hall who would get a Viagra boner every time he happened to be on the elevator with her. Presumably if he had found a way to spend more time with this woman, he would have told her he wanted to do the "falafel thing" to her pussy.
Also, in case you have not been to "outside" in a while, and you're not sure what grunting like a wild boar sounds like, here is a compilation of Bill O'Reilly/wild boar sounds we found on the internet.
Now, as to the hot rumors from the No Spin Zone! It turns out that, despite how O'Reilly's fans love him SO MUCH, especially when they find out he's been gropey/rapey/falafels toward women, Rupert Murdoch and his sons Biff and Frederick (we think those are their names) may be ready to fire him like a common Roger Ailes. The news broke cryptically through Matt Drudge:
IN MEMORIAM: Bill O'Reilly's career!
As to O'Reilly having a "tremendous run" and getting to "decide when and how things end," Dave Itzkoff of the New York Times reminds us of the context:
Gabriel Sherman at New York magazine, who has been covering the inner workings of all the various Fox News sexual harassment scandals for a long time now (he got the scoop on Roger Ailes being fired for being a slimy gross pig man), and is in a position to know such things, fills in the blanks for us:
Three sources with knowledge of the discussions said that, while no final decision has been made, the Murdochs are leaning toward announcing that O’Reilly will not return to the air. Sons James and Lachlan have been arguing that O’Reilly needs to go, say these sources, though their father, Rupert, has resisted that outcome.
The prospect of dumping O’Reilly — once unimaginable — has gained steam this week due in part to street protests outside Fox News headquarters and advertiser boycotts on O’Reilly’s air. One network insider said Fox executives are alarmed by the severity of the ad-revenue decline. “It’s worse than Glenn Beck,” the insider said, referring to the advertiser revolt that helped derail Beck’s Fox News career in 2011.
Sherman reports that originally James Murdoch was the one saying O'Reilly should pack up all the loofahs and dildos in his office and go home forever, whereas Lachlan Murdoch agreed with Daddy that O'Reilly was the best. But apparently now the boys are aligned against BillO and everybody is GRRRR FIGHTING, because on the one hand ratings are still great, but on the other hand, they are hemorrhaging advertising money. Also, they've got to know in the back of their minds that if all these women have already come forward, there are probably 6,432 more where that came from, ready to tell their stories about how Bill O'Reilly is a misogynistic sex creep who can't keep his rancid meat body to himself.
So that is where we are. "Hot chocolate" is the new "falafel thing," and everybody needs to say a prayer to baby Jesus tonight that the Murdochs fire O'Reilly forever, because America needs some good news in these dark days.
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