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Bill O'Reilly would like you all to know he never ever assaulted his ex-wife, Maureen McPhilmy -- never happened, not true, no way. Forget that story Monday about him dragging her down a staircase by the neck. Shut up, or he'll rip off your head and shit down your neck hole. In a statement given to Politico by his attorney, O'Reilly denied everything:


All allegations against me in these circumstances are 100% false ... I am going to respect the court-mandated confidentiality put in place to protect my children and will not comment any further.

See? He's just looking out for his children, by calling his daughter a liar, after a story in Gawker Monday alleged that a "source familiar with the facts of the case" said that O'Reilly's 16-year-old daughter testified in a recent custody hearing that at some point before the couple separated in 2010, she "witnessed her father dragging McPhilmy down a staircase by her neck, apparently unaware that the daughter was watching." Gawker also reported that McPhilmy had been granted sole custody of the couple's two teenaged children.

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O'Reilly made no mention of the story on Monday's "The O'Reilly Factor" -- or at least, we're pretty sure he didn't, since we fast-forwarded through the show, most of which was dedicated to O'Reilly being excited that the USA had finally launched a Special Forces assault on ISIS. It's entirely possible that in between wargasms, Billo said, "Oh, by the way, I never beat my ex," and we zipped right past it.

We're quite certain that this story is pretty much over now. If Bill O'Reilly said it never happened, then it never happened, because Bill O'Reilly has never been known to fib about anything, ever. What we are saying is that the man has an untarnished reputation for honesty. Seriously, if you want the truth, just go to Bill O'Reilly.

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We're also betting that in a few years, the O'Reilly children will have one hell of a tell-all book to publish. Not that they'd have any reason to portray their dad as anything but the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being they've ever seen dragging their mom down the stairs by her neck.

[Politico via TPM / Fox News]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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