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Bill O'Reilly has said many stupid things ever since the New York Times revealed he had spent $32 million of his lunch money to settle yet another sexual harassment case. According to NYT, BillO sent Lis Wiehl, a former Fox News analyst, "gay pornography" and had a "nonconsensual sexual relationship" with her, and his Fox News bosses were so mad about it they renewed his contract and gave him a raise. O'Reilly says it's a bunch of lies, just like THE MULTITUDES OF GROSS ALLEGATIONS against O'Reilly are also lies. Wonkette would simply note again that $32 MILLION IS A LOT OF MONEY FOR A BUNCH OF LIES.

But O'Reilly knows whose fault all this is, and it is God's. How dare Almighty God grab Bill O'Reilly's penis and yank it toward temptation? Yea, though Bill O'Reilly walks through the shadow of death, he will fear no evil, OH NO GOD'S GOT HIS PEENER IN A HEADLOCK AGAIN:

"You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I'm mad at him," O'Reilly said on the latest episode of his web series, "No Spin News." "I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn't happen. I can't explain it to you. Yeah, I'm mad at him."

GRRRR GOD! And to think just a few years ago that O'Reilly was decidedly happy with God, because if there was no God, how da moon get dere?

O'Reilly added that if he dies tomorrow and gets to meet The New York Times in heaven (LOL Bill O'Reilly is never going to heaven), he has a question. Or maybe "you guys" is what he calls God. Just read this fucking quote, we don't know what it means:

"If I die tomorrow and I get an opportunity, I'll say, 'Why'd you guys work me over like that? Didn't [you] know my children were going to be punished? And they're innocent'" ...

His poor children! We assume he's including his damned dirty liar (not a liar) daughter who said she “witnessed her father dragging [her mother] down a staircase by her neck, apparently unaware that [she] was watching.”

SPEAKING OF THINKING OF THE CHILDREN! Bill O'Reilly is also thinking of former Fox host Eric Bolling's children. You see, Bolling was also canned from Fox News over sexual harassment allegations. Tragically, just after that, Bolling's 19-year-old son died. So of course, in an interview with the New York Times podcast "The Daily," O'Reilly said this:

“I urge you to think about what you put in your newspaper,” he told the Times. “Eric Bolling’s son is dead. He’s dead because of allegations made — in my opinion and I know this to be true — against Mr. Bolling.”

Oh fuck off, O'Reilly. That was Bolling's response to O'Reilly, but he said it nicer:

For the record, O'Reilly apologized to Bolling. He made excuses while he was apologizing, because he's a total shit, but he apologized.

Let's see, what else? Has God grabbed Bill O'Reilly's dick and jammed it in Bill O'Reilly's eye any other times in the past day? Duh.

Monday morning, Megyn Kelly used her usually shitty talk show to have a serious moment. Responding to a statement from O'Reilly that NOBODY IN HIS ENTIRE CAREER had EVER filed a complaint against his gross penis, Kelly said, well actually that's not true, because she had complained. Watch her tell the story of emailing Fox News brass about O'Reilly in 2016, and not only having them do nothing about it, but apparently green lighting him to attack Fox News sexual harassment victims on his show that very night:

Kelly also spent a significant portion of her show interviewing another O'Reilly accuser, Juliet Huddy.

In response to Kelly's comments (WATCH THEM), O'Reilly went on the Glenn Beck Radio Show and said bitches be lyin' again, like they always do. Was God attacking him, by speaking through Megyn Kelly? Probably:

“In fact, when she was getting hammered earlier this year, I wrote a column sticking up for her,” he said. “I don’t know why Megyn Kelly is doing what she’s doing. I don’t know why. I’ve helped her dramatically in her career.”

YEAH. And when you help a pretty lady in her career, you're supposed to be able to get away with sexually harassing her, and all women, right? Isn't that the Harvey Weinstein rule? Because he's saying it now, and he also said it to Lis Wiehl, according to the New York Times!

Also, O'Reilly has proof Kelly is lying, because one time she sent him a thank-you note, and another time she sent him a different thank-you note. Do women who are being sexually harassed by powerful men in toxic workplaces ever send thank-you notes? Not according to any Emily Post book BillO has ever read!

The first is a note thanking him for his presence at her baby shower in 2009. “What a class act you are,” she wrote, adding, “You’ve become a dear friend and I am grateful to have you in my life.”

The second note thanks O’Reilly for mentioning the latest book by her husband, Doug Brunt, on his program. She wrote: “I appreciate how supportive you have been of me here [at Fox]. You are a true friend and mentor.”

Nothing in there about God taking control of Bill O'Reilly's penis and shouting in his thunderous God voice, "Fuck it, we'll do it live! With this here penis!"

The point is Bill O'Reilly has absolved Bill O'Reilly of all his alleged sex crimes. And if that doesn't settle the issue, he might pay you $32 million to stop saying otherwise!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[CNN / Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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