Billionaire Tom Steyer Needs Your Money To Attend Presidential Fantasy Camp
Tom Steyer watched the Democratic debate last night at home in his underpants. No fairy godmother showed up to take him to the ball. He just shouted about climate change to pumpkins with photos of Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren on them. Although Tom Steyer the presidential candidate has considerable financial support from Tom Steyer the billionaire, he still needs 130,000 donors before he can stand on the same stage as Marianne Williamson. He's roughly 129,999 donors shy of his goal.
Americans concerned about their financial futures might consider the more conservative option of setting large piles of their money on fire rather than donating to a billionaire's vanity campaign. Steyer isn't asking for much, though -- just one dollar. It's the cost of a cup of coffee. (It's been a while since he bought his own coffee.)
What a coincidence! We weren't on the debate stage last night either, and we also just watched it on TV. We're just like Tom Steyer except we're not a billionaire or any type of "aire." Steyer has pledged to waste $100 million on his campaign. So far, he's spent almost a cool million on Facebook and Google ads. He's thrown away another $4.3 million on TV ads. The only thing that could make this worse would be if he wrote the checks in front of a starving refugee family.
An Economist/YouGov poll released today has him at 0 percent. Richard Pryor's mayoral campaign in Brewster's Millions was more successful. Still, Steyer, operating at peak white man, believes serious issues affecting the world won't get discussed unless he's on the debate stage. It's just celebrity gossip and whatever new age bullshit Williamson rolls up, lights up, and smokes up.
Yeah, we really didn't see that coming. Democrats are clearly covered on the important topics without Steyer. Impeachment is his marquee policy issue, and he's upset that Democrats haven't magically removed Donald Trump from office yet. He thinks the true obstacle is the five-day workweek. Dragging Congress as do-nothing loafers is fun for the whole family, but it's not inspiring when a billionaire orders people to "WORK HARDER!" We're not down with rich guys arguing that working people -- yes, House members technically qualify -- don't "deserve" vacation time.
It's a bold move for a Democratic presidential candidate to claim that the Democratic House majority hasn't achieved anything worthwhile. It's bad politics and completely untrue. They've passed a lot of bills, but "Moscow Mitch" blocks most of them from becoming anything but congressional toilet paper. He's the one whose face should appear on useless petitions.
House members also don't spend the entire August recess at the beach. Their kids would drive them crazy. No, they spend much of that time talking to their constituents at home. Steyer probably doesn't understand why this important part of their job would take so long. He can check in with all his constituents in his bathroom mirror.
Steyer has more money to burn so he's not going anywhere soon. He can buy all the ads he wants but he can't buy donors. Maybe we can help. *If he sends us $10, we promise to donate $1 to his campaign. The rest we'll spend on a latte.
*Wonkette does not in fact support in any way campaign finance fraud.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.