Billy Graham's Biggest Mistake Just Grateful Trump Ended Death Penalty For Saying 'Merry Christmas!'

Religion

And now it's time for a holiday CHRISTMAS DAMMIT message from Franklin Graham, the unfortunate thing that happened one time when Billy Graham jizzed CHRISTMASSED DAMMIT in the direction of a human woman.

You see, Franklin Graham is reaching the acceptance stage of grief, more than a month after his loser president lost really hard in the election. He's not angry about the result, and he's not disappointed either. He's grateful. And here is why, as he explained on Facebook:

I'm thankful that the president stood against the secularists who wanted to take Christ out of Christmas and that he brought back the greeting "Merry Christmas!"

We cannot imagine what it's like to go to bed at night so scared and stupid that you really think Christmas was under attack and that you were not allowed to say "Merry Christmas" before Donald Trump was president. That somehow you have been liberated from these chains.

SPOILER, Franklin: Christmas, and wishing someone a merry one, has always been fine, but in the free market, companies have always been free to make decisions about which seasons' greetings to offer. The same companies that insist on it today were insisting on it before Trump was president. Likewise, the companies that were trying to move in a more ecumenical direction, encouraging more inclusive greetings like "May the elves on your shelves 69 all night long!" are doing the exact same thing today. Trump did nothing, besides performative bullshit meant to fool our Lord's dumbest faithful into believing he was doing something for them. You know, folks like Franklin Graham.


Graham's message had more in it:

He gave us a president who protected our religious liberties; grateful for a president who defended the lives of the unborn, standing publicly against abortion and the bloody smear it has made on our nation ...

Abortion is still legal in the United States, Franklin, at least for now. And we still don't know how many abortions the president has personally paid for, not that we are suggesting that he's ever actually come through on something he said he was going to pay for.

But yes, Trump did stack the courts with barely legal bigots just jonesing to stomp on the necks of women and LGBTQ people. We'll give Franklin that one. Unfortunately, so far the religious Right can't seem to come up with a case Trump's Krazy Krusades Kourt is willing to take.

grateful for a president who built the strongest economy in 70 years with the lowest unemployment rate in 50 years before the pandemic;

Barack Obama built that economy, you airheaded fucksock. Also when you have to put "before the pandemic" on at the end like an asterisk, it's pretty clear you're grasping.

Oh yeah, and about that pandemic ... just kidding, Franklin Graham doesn't have any more thoughts about the pandemic that's killed over 300,000 Americans because of his beloved president's murderous stupidity.

Tell us more about President Participation Trophy, Franklin:

grateful for a president who strengthened and supported our military;

When he wasn't calling them suckers and losers and tacitly allowing Vladimir Putin to put bounties on their heads.

grateful for a president who stood against "the swamp" and the corruption in Washington

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

I'm grateful for a president and a vice president who recognized the importance of prayer and were not ashamed of the name of Jesus Christ.

Oh yes, Donald Trump, who prayed so much, when his illiterate heathen ass wasn't misquoting "Two Corinthians" or using an upside-down Bible as a prop literally right after he gassed a priest.

So as we come to the end of this election season, I look back with a grateful heart and thank God for all of these things.

Does thanking God count if God doesn't know what the fuck you're talking about? Or does God totally "Return to sender" those prayers?

Graham's Facebook post ends with his regrets that Americans "got confused and made the election about personalities rather than the policies of the candidates." Which ... nope again, dumbass! Americans voted against Stupid Hitler, both because of his personality and his policies. Regular normal Americans — real Americans — loathe Donald Trump.

Anyway, we guess we should just be glad Franklin's accepting that Americans did indeed vote against the human shart who will leave the White House on Jan. 20, if his loser ass doesn't escape in the middle of the night sooner than that.

And finally, this is just sad:

President Trump will go down in history as one of the great presidents of our nation, bringing peace and prosperity to millions here in the U.S. and around the world.

Bless his heart. We'll just let Franklin Graham watch the parades break out in every city in America and around the world the second Trump's ass waddles out of there for the last time and into our repressed memories. History isn't written by the losers, after all, and Donald Trump is the biggest loser who ever lived.

We've spent long enough making fun of the Merry Christmas/Election Facebook message from Billy Graham's saddest misfire. If you see poor Franklin moping around this season, be sure to wish him a "Happy Holidays" "Merry Christmas, Motherfucker!" and if you also tell him you're a homosexual on your way to make out with Black Lives Matter at the big Antifa Abortion Swap, that might be kinda funny, we are just saying, he might cry.

Oh! OPEN THREAD! We forgot to say!

[Franklin Graham on Facebook / h/t Joe My God]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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