Escape_from_New_York_menu.gifThe stock market withered and died today after news of Dick Cheney's survival at the hands of a suicide bomber. This prompts Hotline to ask:

What happens to the presidential race if there's a recession?

The answer is complicated.

As the country enters what is sure to be its second (or third, or fourth) depression, the poor schmucks who don't decide to end it all will have entirely new criteria for selecting from the literally thousands of people running for President. While the fiscal restraint of Republicans was once admired, now they're all refusing to leave children behind and trying to give our old people drugs. And while the Democrats were once popular for their "giving free shit to unemployed people" policies, now they mostly just promise to lose wars and not fuck teenage boys.

The race will be further shaken up when, after a couple months of everyone in America living in abject poverty, the people begin to roam the streets sacking and looting. Eventually, after losing most of Wall Street to i-bankers-cum-rioters, President Bush will install Rudy Giuliani as his Defense Secretary, declare martial law, and use his historic third term to successfully rebuild America in the model of Iraq, only chillier and with more dirty movies.

Just Asking... [Hotline]

Earlier: Cheney Also Ruining Stock Market


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