Bloomberg Beats Trump In Dickhole Notch While Trump's Busy Trying To Block Traffic

Hey, did you guys hear the New Hampshire primary is today? It is, and Wonkette is able to forecast with 82 percent accuracy that your mom, once again, will not win. Beyond that, we dunno.

But Donald Trump is paying attention, and he's just really concerned that Democrats might go out and vote in New Hampshire, and that's why he went there for a rally last night, to clog up the roads to keep people from voting. That's right, he went there ... last night ... to keep people from voting ... today. Now, we know that when the average person thinks "New Hampshire," they think "traffic jams that last for days," but we are not sure if this was time well spent.

Advisers hoped that Secret Service moves in downtown Manchester to secure the area for the president's arrival would also make it harder for Democratic candidates and their supporters to transverse the state's largest city in the hours before the primary's first votes are cast, according to Trump campaign officials not authorized to discuss internal deliberations publicly.

But no big, because Trump had a bigger mission in mind, according to the AP: he wanted to "rattle" the Democrats, by, we dunno, stinking up their state with his orange grundle scent or something.

Well if that's not the dumbest fuckin' thing we've ever heard, besides whatever else Donald Trump said during his actual rally, oh look, the dumbest fuckin' thing we ever heard:

On Monday night, President Donald Trump pushed yet again his evidence-free conspiracy theory claiming out-of-state voters illegally cost him New Hampshire in the 2016 general election.

"We should have won the election, but they had buses being being shipped up from Massachusetts," he told his booing supporters at a campaign rally in Manchester, New Hampshire. "Hundreds and hundreds of buses. And it was very, very close even though they did."

There were no buses. Donald Trump thinks there were buses. Donald Trump also thinks the Ukrainians stole the DNC server and buried it in Ukraine's backyard, because Donald Trump does not know what "server" is.

This sad, ridiculous, senile conspiracy theory is part of what Trump's hilariously failed, Kris Kobach-led "voter fraud" commission was supposed to study, before said commission ate itself. In 2018, Trump said you should really be able to "recall" such elections as his loss in New Hampshire, when imaginary buses bring imaginary fraud voters from Massachusetts to vote against him and make him lose. This is what led FEC commissioner Ellen Weintraub to tell Trump last year she was sick of hearing his conspiracy theory shit about New Hampshire, and that if he had any actual evidence, he should shit or get off the pot.

As Steve Benen notes at the MaddowBlog, it's all debunked bullshit. So much bullshit that Weintraub had to weigh in AGAIN today:

But whatever, Trump has been on about this for years now, because when a dumbass wrong idea gets into Donald Trump's brain, it refuses to leave, like syphilis, or Rudy Giuliani.

Speaking of syphilis, Trump told the idiot rally-goers bunch of his greatest hits, like the one about how windmills are "bird graveyards" that cause cancer for your house's property values. He told some new lies too, like that Nancy Pelosi was "mumbling terribly, mumbling, mumbling" during his very good State of the Union Yeti Pubes Jerkoff Show. In response, his crowd of deplorable unfuckables chanted "LOCK HER UP."

There was also this line, as reported by Chris Cillizza, who gets paid the big bucks to look at Trump's transcripts and type out the lines that make him say WHOA THAT'S A FUNNY LINE:

"People come up to me, they say, 'I want to thank you. My wife thinks I am a total loser, sir. She thinks I am the worst person with money, with financial. She thinks I'm just horrible. And the last three years, I'm up 94% sir. She thinks I'm a total genius when it comes to finance.'"

Donald Trump's imaginary followers sound like morons.

Anyway, are you RATTLED yet, New Hampshire? By Trump's traffic jam and his best words?

Hey, did you guys hear that Michael Bloomberg won the first precinct in New Hampshire, in both primaries? Yes, he won the Democratic vote in the historically first contest in Dickhole Dixville Notch, which votes just after midnight, even though he is not on the ballot, and he also won the Republican one, even though he is not on the ballot. When the votes were tallied from all three tiny townships that voted in the wee hours -- the other two are called "Peenhound Butterstick" and "Fartsacker Fuckhive" -- Amy Klobuchar Klobu-CHARGED her way to victory.

Truly New Hampshire seems rattled, by Donald Trump's traffic jam.

So, on the real, what is going to happen in the New Hampshire primary, besides your mom definitely not winning, unless your mom is Elizabeth Warren or Amy Klobuchar, in which case your mom actually does have a shot? Is New Hampshire going to buy itself a shiny new Dodge KlobuCHARGER tonight? Is Bloomberg going to Dickville Snatch the whole state, even though he is not even on the ballot? What about Pete Bernigieg and Bernie Petergiggles and the others? What about Biden? UH OH, looks like Biden is already wheels up to South Carolina, better luck next time, which is actually in Nevada, Joe, not South Carolina.

We don't know, and neither do you.


[AP / CNN]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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