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Blue Wave Of Handsomeness Might Wipe Out Texas Republicans

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Donald Trump's approval rankings are tanking at perhaps the worst time for Republicans who want to keep their jobs protecting the president from accountability for his extracurricular treason activities. Even Republicans in deep-red Texas are feeling pressure.

The man who engineered the 2010 Republican takeover of the House is racing to save himself in his own election this year — and he admits, in so many words, that President Donald Trump isn't helping.

Texas Rep. Pete Sessions, a longtime party leader and former House GOP campaign chief, is confronting a treacherous political landscape back at home — a well-funded Democratic opponent with a boffo résumé, a rapidly diversifying and more liberal district, and, perhaps most critically, a constituency of well-educated and upper-income suburban voters who increasingly are turning on the president.

Sessions represents a North Dallas district that narrowly broke for Hillary Clinton in 2016, and Democrats are going in for the kill. A super PAC aligned with Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, who as you'll recall is "very good" at what she does, plans to spend $2 million in TV ads to help crush Sessions at the polls in November. Cue the revenge theme music from Kill Bill.


I'm sure if someone carefully explained to Trump that Pete Sessions isn't Jeff Sessions, whom he loathes, Trump would happily fly down to Dallas to help out the congressman with one of his rallies that, if nothing else, makes Trump feel better about himself. However, Sessions is uncertain how successful his reelection campaign might be if he reminds people in his suburban district that he knows Trump.

"I don't think there's any question that from time to time the president's numbers are not where I'd like them to be," Sessions said, before adding that voters would distinguish him and other Texas Republicans on the 2018 ballot from Trump.

This is probably why Trump should hold a rally for Sessions. He'd explain how his numbers are the best ever. Are you going to believe what you "see or read" or what "your favorite president" tells you? Voters trusting their eyes might prove fatal to Sessions because his Democratic challenger Colin Allred is, bluntly put, a stunning specimen of manhood. The former NFL linebacker is now an accomplished civil rights attorney but really, just look at the guy. I'm already researching voodoo rituals that will allow me to swap bodies with him. I'd probably need to acquire a personal item, though, like his tie or something. I haven't really thought it through. I just want his youth and strength.

The Cook Political declares the race a tossup. Straight ticket voting could save Sessions, but even some Republicans are starting to believe that a true congressional "check" on Trump is necessary.

I'm also interested in the upcoming Texas Senate race because it offers a wonderful opportunity to rid ourselves of Ted Cruz. Democrat Beto O'Rourke seemed a long shot to remove Cruz in November, and Real Clear Politics still lists the seat as "leans Republican." However, something on the ground must have shaken the Cruz campaign, which has gone from mostly ignoring O'Rourke's request for six debates to now suggesting five on major topics in which Cruz smugly believes himself an expert.

Cruz strategist Jeff Roe sent a letter Wednesday to O'Rourke, an El Paso congressman, proposing the following debate schedule:

Aug. 31 in Dallas on "Jobs/Taxes/Federal Regulations/National Economy"
Sept. 14 in McAllen on "Immigration/Border Security/Criminal Justice/Supreme Court"
Sept. 21 in San Antonio on "Foreign Policy/National Security"
Oct. 5 in Houston on "Energy/Trade/Texas Economy"
Oct. 12 in Lubbock on "Healthcare/Obamacare"

Roe said the debates would all take place on Friday evenings "because the Senate is expected to be in session during that time." The debates would each be an hour long and vary in format — some would be town hall-style, while others would feature the two candidates seated or standing at podiums.

The strategy here, I guess, is for the Nixonian Cruz to share a stage with the JFK-esque O'Rourke for televised debates. Cruz thinks his very own "Friday Night Lights" should keep him ahead in this tightening race. That seems as well considered as my Freaky Friday plans for Allred.

O'Rourke raised $10.6 million in just three months, erasing Cruz's financial edge. Cruz, who managed just $4.6 million in the same period, dismissed O'Rourke's haul as just "Hollywood, northeast liberal" money, which unfortunately for Cruz is still legal tender that can pay for impressive ads like the one O'Rourke released this week. Called "Showing Up," it features O'Rourke traveling to every county in Texas and talking to people with the ease that comes from not being an alien lizard person in an ill-fitting human suit. Cruz still has more name recognition in Texas but that just means more Texans realize he's Ted Cruz.

I confess that during the GOP primary, I greatly enjoyed watching Trump humiliate Cruz repeatedly. Witnessing another Cruz concession speech while I'm test driving my stolen Colin Allred body would be a dream come true. But I shouldn't get my hopes up. Cruz might yet slither to victory. We won't know it's really over until he names Carly Fiorina his Vice Senator.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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