Bobby Jindal Is The Wingnut Presidential Candidate Nobody's Been Waiting For
BREAKING NEWS! Gov. Bobby Jindal, who has basically ruined Louisiana, declared his candidacy for president of US America Wednesday afternoon, far too close to the city of New Orleans for anyone who actually loves that city. He had started off the week getting punched right in his junk by IBM, which had been nice enough to choose Baton Rouge for its new National Service Center. The company's mood soured when Jindal decided he had to prove he was the gay-hatin'-est homophobe in all the land, by issuing an executive order giving Louisiana business owners the right to discriminate against gay people. That might work on the set of "Duck Dynasty," but not in the grown-up world of big business. So IBM decided to cancel the big ribbon-cutting photo-op, the one Jindal could have used to show just how GOOD he's been for Louisiana business.
Wednesday, Jindal punched his own self right in the junk, by posting a series of videos on his campaign website, showing him sitting in the courtyard discussing a possible presidential run with his children. It's not the content of the videos that's so bad, it's more that they seem to have been filmed from the vantage point of a perverted owl entertaining fantasies about swooping down and doing surprise sex to people. Summary: If Daddy wins President (LOL) the kids can have a puppy, but they have to take care of it, and also, no bunny ears on the campaign trail. Oh, and don't tell your friends about Daddy running for president, because it's some big secret. And OOH, if the kids behave, they get to go to Iowa, WHEEEE! One of the Jindal kids
has been instructed to be is quite excited about going to Iowa, because there's apparently something special about Iowa popcorn.
The Announcement Itself, Such As It Was
Actually our headline turned out to be a lie, because Bobby Jindal SURE DID make us wait, by being Diva Late to his own presidential announcement. To put a fine point on it, he was 45 minutes late. New campaign slogan: Bobby Jindal! Too Dumb To Tell Time, Too Stupid To Be President.
Jindal was introduced by his wife Supriya, who said how great her husband is, how he is "fearless" at ruining the state with tax cuts, and that there is a "more personal" side to his fearlessness. We were worried she was going to talk about the size of his Piyush, but it was just a thing about how she wouldn't go out with him the first time he asked. Whatever.
And then came BOBBY! He square-danced onstage to the tune of Garth Brooks' "Callin' Baton Rouge," and then it all went to hell from there. He was excited when he said he was running for president though:
But not as excited as this:
Anyway, Jindal said that his parents came to America and found out that it was indeed the "land of the free and the home of the brave," which is convenient, because that's a line in our national anthem! They were very good at being Americans!
Jindal bragged about how the entire state of Louisiana has "statewide school choice," which is great if you want to make sure education is for the few and not the many, and also if you want to teach kids that Jesus rode a dinosaur onto Noah's Ark. He touted his record of doing right by Louisiana, saying that "today we have more people moving into Louisiana than out of it." Which no, Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, you cannot take credit for New Orleans, you Dumb Fuck. That city hates you and is thriving in spite of you, not because of you. And guess what, you just fucked the film industry in New Orleans, by signing into law a cap on tax credits. ABC/Disney has already put its New Orleans shit on hold.
Jindal said, "You can't grow the economy and the government at the same time. It is an either/or choice." That, of course, is not what growned-up economists say, but old-ass Republican voters don't know that.
He says he's the only candidates who's "written a replacement plan" for Obamacare, once it's "repealed and replaced," which would make him the first Republican currently alive to come up with a plan to fix healthcare in the US and A, unless you count Romney-care, which is basically Obamacare, but with magic Mormon underpants.
Jindal was just working up to the fevered orgasm of his speech, though. Here are the thinly veiled swipes against godless homo-gay liberal types:
"I know that some believe I talk about my faith too much, but I will not be silenced in order to meet their expectations of political correctness. [...]
They don't seem to accept the idea that you can be both intellectual and Christian ... There's a big country out here with millions of Americans who believe in god and are not ashamed to say so! [...]
Christianity, it is under assault today in America. The liberals ... have forgotten their history. I want to say this slowly so that even Hillary Clinton can understand this: America did not create religious liberty, religious liberty created the United States of America."
It's pitiful that he is already running against Hillary Clinton, as if he has a shot in either Christian OR Hindu hell of winning the Republican nomination.
Jindal said he's "done with all this talk about hyphen-Americans" because "we are not Indian-Americans, African-Americans," yadda yadda yadda, we are all Americans. This is expected, because, as the Washington Post explained Tuesday, Jindal has been running from his heritage pretty much since childhood.
The end of the speech was a bunch of bullshit about how we're not going to let America embrace the "European nightmare," with its socialism and its immigrants (sometimes two or three generations of them, just like the Jindal family of Louisiana!). If you are an immigrant in Bobby Jindal's America, you will be like him: "Embrace our values, learn english, and roll up your sleeves and get to work." And convert to the anti-gay wingnut sect of Christianity, we guess.
Good speech, Piyush, we only fell asleep twice.
And Now, For Some Of Bobby Jindal's Greatest Hits!
Here is some dumb shit Jindal has said or done over the past few years:
- That time Jindal, whose state is currently falling into the Gulf Of Mexico, said we really shouldn't be spending too much money preventing natural disasters.
- Don't worry too much about man-made disasters like oil spills, either. Just blame Obama!
- But, like, if there is a natural disaster looming, 's okay to ask the mean Obama government to swoop in with bags of money.
- Remember when Jindal cut all the taxes, and now Louisiana is basically Somalia? Sadface.
- Mike Huckabee may have said we don't need to be talking about racism after the Charleston murders, because JESUS, but Jindal was saying that LONG before it was cool.
- Two words: Creation Science. Three more words: IN LOUISIANA'S SCHOOLS.
- Hey, sorry about Hurricane Katrina and those terrible tornadoes in Joplin, Missouri, that was just God's way of giving the homosexuals a spank on their bottoms.
- Remember, Jindal is the ONLY candidate who is man enough to stand up to the homosexuals.
- Jindal was SO JEALOUS when traitor baby-doll Sen. Tom Cotton decided to take over Iran foreign policy from Obama. Why won't anybody let Jindal be a traitorous senator too?
- He's BFFs with that guy from "Duck Dynasty," so that means everybody will vote for him, right? RIGHT?
Well, Gov. Jindal, good luck with your "campaign," we're sure you'll win by "coming from behind," but not in a gay way, because you HATE that sort of thing.