Bobby Jindal Never Wanted To Be In Your Stupid Kids' Table Debate, May Just Stay Home

I don't need you guys. All I need is this paddle ball game...and this lamp...

Bobby Jindal, in his 3,574th last-ditch bid for attention, briefly threatened to walk away from Wednesday's second-tier who-cares smelly losers debate on CNBC, which many suspect may not even be a real cable network. Despite his campaign having no money and no support, Jindal's people, of whom he still has some, contended that if the Republican National Committee and CNBC would factor in his phenomenal polling in Iowa, they'd see he definitely belongs on the main stage.

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The Washington Examiner reports that Jindal campaign officials got the idea after CNBC agreed to change the "main stage" -- i.e., real-not-for-losers -- debate format to accommodate demands by Donald Trump and Ben Carson, such as limiting the debate to two hours including opening and closing statements as well as commercials. So Jindal's team decided that if the top two candidates can win concessions by threatening to stay home, then maybe Bobby Jindal can throw his weight around, all 28 ounces of it.

"The biggest disappointment is that the RNC and network have outsourced their power to Donald Trump, who believes in national health care and that George W. Bush is responsible for 9/11," Jindal campaign spokeswoman Gail Gitcho said. "They completely caved to his demands."

Isn't that cute how she got a Jindal talking point in there? Jindal's current ranking in an average of national polling is under one percent, which consigns him firmly to the consolation-prize stage. But his campaign points out that, after concentrating virtually all the campaign's remaining money in Iowa, Jindal is pulling an impressive 4 percent of support there; the Examiner says, apparently with a straight face, that Jindal is pursuing "a strategy of using a surprise finish in the Feb. 1 caucuses to catapult into contention."

Here's the thing, Bobby: If you fire a few wadded up sheets of paper towel from a catapult, they still aren't going to go very far. Despite that impressive Iowa polling (and we should note that in several counties, he's still polling behind a 1978 Farmall tractor), Jindal isn't even getting any support at home: A recent poll of Louisiana Republicans had him in eighth place in his own damn state, tied with charismatic Ohioan John Kasich. Pollster Ron Faucheux, whose Clarus Research Group conducted the poll, said, "Bobby Jindal in Louisiana is political dead weight right now," and that after having him around for eight years of budget cuts, culture war stuff, and the feeling that he was more interested in running for president rather than running the state, Louisianans were suffering from "Jindal Fatigue."

And then there's the prospect of Jindal in a head-to-head race against Hillary Clinton: Even in Louisiana, Clinton would clean Jindal's clock, which incidentally may not even be right once a day. Nationally, Jindal would lose not only to Clinton, but also to Bernie Sanders or that 1978 Farmall tractor.

Despite all Jindal's foot-stomping and threats to take his ball and go home, CNBC announced last Wednesday that Jindal was nonetheless consigned to the undercard, shocking absolutely no one at all. Jindal confirmed to Tucker Carlson's Internet Thing Sunday that he would indeed take part in the undercard debate, even though he's clearly poised to win Iowa (where a recent NBC poll has him in 5th place) and deserves more respect.

“We’re moving up in Iowa,” he said. “We’re doing well. We’re seeing more and more crowds. I know voters here tend to decide late,” he explained. The problem is that the RNC and cable networks are using national polls instead of polls in the early primary/caucus states to determine debate eligibility:

“The reality is we don’t have a national primary,” he said. “I think it’s a mistake to try to clear the field. I think the RNC should be paying attention to where the voters are, the first votes are counted in these early states.”

“If they did,” he added, “obviously we’d be on the main stage.”

Why, yes, that's pretty obvious. But the boycott is off, and it looks like Jindal is reduced to muttering that he'll make the GOP sorry someday, once he's president, as well as jubilantly punching the air and shouting "In your face, Jim Gilmore!" All the while keeping a wary eye on that tractor.

[Washington Examiner / WWLTV Poll / Baton Rouge Advocate / CNBC / Daily Caller]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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