Bobby Jindal Sticks It To Planned Parenthood By Screwing The Poors

Poor Bobby Jindal. Not going to be president. Not going to make the first debate. Not even likely to stay in the primaries past South Carolina, assuming he gets that far. But maybe, if he can make some grand gestures, he'll capture the imagination of the teabagger wing and be the GOP's wonder boy again, like he was before he made an ass of himself with that State of the Union response where people thought he was aspiring to become an actual pine 2X4. Maybe something dramatic, like taking bold action against Planned Parenthood to punish them for running a used fetus-parts brokerage? That might do it. And so on Monday the governor of Louisiana took decisive action, canceling the state's Medicaid contract with Planned Parenthood, so that the organization that does so much harm to Louisiana's precious little babbies will be stopped from its infernal deeds. A brave stand, and just the thing to recapture Wingnut America's heart.

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Jindal was stern in his rebuke of the organization's many fabricated but shocking-if-true crimes, saying in a statement:

In recent weeks, it has been shocking to see reports of the alleged activities taking place at Planned Parenthood facilities across the country. Planned Parenthood does not represent the values of the people of Louisiana and shows a fundamental disrespect for human life ... It has become clear that this is not an organization that is worthy of receiving public assistance from the state.

After all, what could be more disrespectful of human life than a state organization that fritters away precious resources on wasteful, anti-life services like pap smears, breast cancer screenings, STD testing, and HIV prevention? Truly, providing healthcare to women does not reflect Louisiana's values. No, really, it doesn't: Louisiana wants to keep women untainted by knowledge of contraception or STD prevention, which is why it mandates abstinence-only education. That might be why Baton Rouge and New Orleans are the cities with the highest rates of STDs. At least Louisiana is #1 in something.

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Oh, yes, and there's one other small detail that we've craftily been withholding, just so you could more fully appreciate what a deeply cynical fucker this Jindal fellow is: Neither of the two Planned Parenthood clinics in Louisiana even performs abortions. Cutting their funding won't do a goddamn thing to save any precious angel fetuses. It'll just make finding affordable healthcare even harder for Louisiana women on Medicaid. Now, there is a new Planned Parenthood clinic being built in New Orleans that will provide abortions, but Jindal has suspended its license until he's finished investigating Planned Parenthood, and the organization has informed state officials that the clinic will not participate in the fetal tissue donation program that has been causing all the fuss anyway.

Congratulations, Gov. Jindal. We thought it would be difficult to out-dick Arizona, whose governor called for an emergency ban on fetal tissue sales that are already illegal (and also a figment of anti-choicers' imaginations). But staking your dimming presidential hopes on being an enormous dick to women in poverty? That's the sort of extra-special assholery that only a Bobby Jindal could manage ...

On reflection, just about any other Republican trying to woo the fetus fetishists would do it, too. Jindal will still need to do something more dramatic to stand out. Maybe he could personally bomb a clinic or shoot a doctor.


Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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