Donald Trump? Never heard of him. Why? Did he say something on Twitter? Well, Senator Gipper isn't on Twitter. In fact, he never heard of Twitter. And he doesn't have time for your gotcha questions, because he's too busy saving America, darnit!

Trump kicked off the morning yesterday by tweeting an insane OANN hoax (but these three things are the same!) about 75-year-old Catholic activist Martin Gugino, who remains hospitalized after being assaulted on camera by Buffalo police officers last week. Axios's Jonathan Swan reports being deluged with texts from White House staff "who seemed at their wits' end" over their boss, who is getting spanked in the polls and still couldn't resist wading into yet another pile of shit. They just got him to quit tweeting slanders about Joe Scarborough — probably by offering him extra chocolate sauce on his hamberders — and now this. Pour one out for the poor Trumplanders who are just exhausted from pasting that hatemongering lunatic together so he can ruin America! Don't it just bring a tear to your eye?

Luckily, three years into this nightmare, GOP senators have perfected their technique. They know just what to say to avoid becoming part of the Dear Leader's daily outrage.

HAHA, NOPE. GOP senators' spectacularly craven responses to the tweet were front page stories in every major news outlet. Welcome to election season when you've yoked yourself to a racist maniac!


"Voters can evaluate that," Tennessee's Lamar Alexander told CNN's Manu Raju. "I'm not going to give a running commentary on the president's tweets."

North Dakota Senator Kevin Cramer was similarly annoyed that the media would bother him with questions about his party's standard bearer.

"If we sat around all day and just worried about what the president tweeted instead of legislating, then we'd be caught in your vortex," he groused, as if the controversy were generated by the media, and not Trump's lies about an elderly man bleeding from his ear on the pavement.

Indiana's Mike Braun was surprised that reporters were kicking up a fuss over any one particularly vile tweet when Trump taps out vile shit all day long: "No real response to it, but I don't think it should be surprising in general because he tweets a lot so I don't know how significant this one tweet is gonna be."

Ted Cruz, who is currently threatening to bring the Justice Department down on Twitter for daring to "censor" the president, suddenly remembered his longstanding policy of not commenting on the president's tweets. While his fellow Texas senator John Cornyn batted his eye lashes in doe-eyed confusion, telling Raju, "You know a lot of this stuff just goes over my head."

Some senators mumbled tentatively about that poor old man, before allowing for the possibility that perhaps the president had a point.

"It's a serious accusation which should only be made with facts and evidence and I haven't seen any yet," Majority Whip John Thune said, adding later, "Most of us up here would rather not be political commentators on the President's tweets. That's a daily exercise, which I know you have to cover but we are. Like I said of what I seen, saw the tweet, saw the video, that's serious accusation."

It's not a serious accusation. It's a false accusation. AKA, A LIE.

Florida's Rick Scott showed similar moral fiber, saying, "I didn't see it. I saw that he did fall and my heart goes out to anybody who gets hurt," before immediately pivoting to blaming rioters for their own injuries. "Right now this is a tough time. I hope everybody understands that we can peacefully protest but we can't riot."

Lisa Murkowski and Mitt Romney, the GOP's Conscience Caucus, were the only ones willing to go on record criticizing the president.

"I saw the tweet it was a shocking thing to say and I won't dignify it with any further comment," Romney said.

"Why would you fan the flames? That's all I'm going to say," sighed Lisa Murkowski when Politico's Burgess Everett confronted her with a printout of the president's words.

Then they went off to pass the president's agenda, because conscience only goes but so far.

Marco Rubio, who makes a great show of piety by tweeting inapposite Bible verses multiple times a week, insisted that he couldn't possibly comment on the president's accusations because, "I didn't see it. You're telling me about it, I don't read Twitter, I only write on it."

Which is nonsense on its face, as Bulwark contributor Tim Miller noted, since Rubio never misses a chance to insert himself into a Twitter controversy to Jesus-splain, and in fact the senator re-tweeted the president just last week.

Thou shalt not lie, Marco! (Spoiler Alert: He shall.)

As per usual, the most embattled politicians showed the least moral courage, with Georgia's Kelly Loeffler refusing to comment and Colorado's Cory Gardner insisting that he couldn't possibly talk when he was racing off to save the environment with the Great American Outdoors Act.

Steve Daines, whose polling against Steve Bullock in Montana's US Senate race is starting to look shaky, has never heard of Donald Trump or his tweets. But he feels sad and just wishes we could all be civil.: "The violence we are seeing across the nation is heartbreaking. We all need to pull together — both for civility and peaceful dialogue."

As per usual, Susan Collins managed to Susan Collins the hell out of it, insisting that the president shouldn't comment on an issue that was "before the courts."

Is Gugino's use of a device to "scan police communications in order to black out the equipment" before the courts? Well, no. But other than that, NAILED IT!

Whores, all of them. Here, enjoy this sizzle reel courtesy of those magnificent bastards at the Lincoln Project.

Mazal Tov, Gippers. You've hitched your wagon to this guy, and he's getting crazier by the day. Enjoy election season!

[CNN / Bulwark / NYT]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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