Brawlin' Bristol Palin Wishes 'Battered' Breitbart Chick Would Grow Some Stones

Bristol likes to take thinkin' selfies sometimes.

Bristol Palin rolled out of bed around 2 in the afternoon, noticed a lump under the covers and wondered if the angel Gabriel had drunk-sexted another gift from God up into her Alaskan Shame Cavern. "Eh, pretty much like every other day," she thought to herself as she lit a Capri Menthol 120 and made a mental note to check around the house and see if she remembered to bring the children in from the yard the night before.

No time for that now. Mama had "work" to do, on her "blog." She checked Twitter and GodTube and her mom's Facebook page, just to make sure she hadn't missed any three-week-old news and oh what was this? Some namby-pamby whine-gina from Breitbart is all upset because she got quote unquote "assaulted" at a Trump rally? Bristol pounded some words into her keyboard, almost setting the thing on fire with her lit cigarette:

Did you watch the video?

An assault charge against this guy???


I bet Michelle Fields feels like an idiot after this video was released. This was NOT an assault.

As Piers Morgan wrote, “A man would have been condemned as a laughing stock for complaining” about that slight event.

He’s right. Toughen up.

"Write what you know," her mom had told her. "Stuff like what mountains up there in Alaska are called and abstinence!" Bristol was confident in what she had typed on the internet because here's why:

  • Some girls are total pussies about everything, amirite, ladies? Bristol has been in her share of brawls, and she knows an assault when she sees one. First of all, was that Breitbart chick even blackout drunk? Did Corey (Lewandowski) even call Michelle Fields a slut and knock her on the ground, like Corey (the one from the Palin brawl) did to Bristol? Did Michelle Fields sucker punch anybody and call them a "cunt" like Bristol did? No? Then Bristol Palin is the expert of saying how obviously Michelle Fields needs to grow some stones, dude.
  • Like can some girls not even take a punch? Bristol is pretty sure her brother Track beated up his girlfriend WAY harder than Michelle Fields got beated up. Is Track's girlfriend out there on the Breitbart saying she got assaulted? OH OOPS FORGOT, the Palin family lawyer said Bristol is not supposed to comment on ongoing Palin family law stuff right now, DOY DOY DOY BRISTOL.
  • Um. Think of a third thing, Bristol! Goddammit. Ooh, "Judge Judy" is on! Bristol can't wait for her mom to add her folksy Wasilla charm to daytime TV's slate of court shows ...
  • Oh! Her mom! That's right, Bristol knows her mom drunk-endorsed Donald Trump because he's going to Make America Great Again Also Too Dontcha Know, and if you carry the two and divide by moose chili (old Palin math trick) that means Trump is awesome and Michelle Fields is a lame girl who can't take a punch.

Having completed her daily work, Bristol closed up her laptop and went to Cracker Barrel, like she always does.

[Bristol's blog thing]


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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