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THIS GUY


Now that marriage equality has been throatcrammed into America's mouth and the sky hasn't fallen, it seems like we don't hear quite as much from the GAY MARRIAGE WILL TAKE US ALL STRAIGHT TO HELL! crowd. Oh, they are there, but pffffft, fuck them, we won, you lost, go get a real job, you morons. But we are happy to introduce you to a funtimes family circuit court judge from Fayette County, Kentucky, named Tim Philpot, who, as the Louisville Courier-Journal reports, has some extremely colorful and amusing things to say about how yucky-bad the gays are:

A Family Court judge who routinely presides over gay adoptions said that gay marriage is an “oxymoron” like “jumbo shrimp” or a “magnificent Chihuahua.”

DUDE. First of all jumbo shrimp are called "prawns," and magnificent chihuahuas are called "FiFi" probably. But that is not all he had to say to some wingnut gay-hatin' group called the Francis Asbury Society earlier this month. Oh HELL no, he is a veritable SPOOGE-FOUNTAIN of hilarious words about the gays. Now, RawStory reports that this guy was charged with corruption in 2004 and has some other ethically unsavory things in his record, but that is not why we are here. We're here to learn about the gays and the BLTs, and Judge Philpot is our expert witness. You should know that he says he loves gays and that "half the adoptions" he does are for gay couples. Also, local Kentucky activists and lawyers tell the Courier-Journal that they don't know Philpot to discriminate against gays in court. So that's good.

But "jumbo shrimp" and "magnificent chihuahuas," COME ON. This is fucking GOLD.

Let's watch the video and pick out our favorite quotes. Skip to like 41 minutes in or something:

Union of Differences (September 8, 2016) from The Francis Asbury Society on Vimeo.

  • "The Constitution ... usually goes over my head! As well as everyone else's." (WHY ARE YOU A JUDGE?)
  • "Already there are 'thruples' getting married in the United States – thruples as in three. ... I know there's times I’ve thought about a third person would be help a little bit around here. I should say, I know my wife has thought about that! You know she loves Nosario, the guy who takes care of our household, our yard. But we’re not a thruple. Relax." (OH GOOD, WE ARE GLAD Y'ALL ARE NOT FUCKING NOSARIO, NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.)
  • "They took away a very nice word in 'gay.' ... It's in lots of old language and literature and songs. We lost the greatest symbol in the Bible, maybe, in the rainbow. They just came in and stole it. Took it away. And so now if you put a rainbow on the back of your car ... I think I said this ... I'm gonna put one on the back of my car, 'cause I'm not gonna let 'em steal that rainbow, I'm gonna take it back! ... I'm gonna drive around town with my little 8-pound 'shorky' and they can think what they want!" (A "SHORKY" IS A MIX OF A SHIH TZU AND YORKIE, AND IT IS A GAY DOG. MAYBE DUDE IS FUCKING THE HOUSEBOY NOSARIO, NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.)
  • "I am not a heterosexual. I'm not gonna use that term ever. ... I'm a child of God, OK? That's the bottom line on that discussion." (HE IS SAYING GOD'S PEOPLE SHOULDN'T DESCRIBE THEMSELVES BY WHO THEY LIKE TO FINGERBANG, BUT WHATEVER DUDE AND NOSARIO WANT TO CALL THEMSELVES IS FINE WITH WONKETTE.)
  • "Homosexual sin is sterile. It's just entertainment." (VERY ENTERTAINING, THANK YOU.)
  • "I just feel discombobulated all the time!" (WE CAN TELL.)
  • "The greatest thing God ever did was put a man and a woman together, and if a man and a woman did not come together in this thing called marriage, the world would be total chaos, and worse than that, it wouldn't be here at all!" (WAIT, WHAT?)
  • "[Gay marriage] has affected same-sex friendships. I'm so sad about that. Because I'm 65 years old and I've spent most of the last 40 years in ministry to men ... I have small groups, and they're all groups, they're with men. I met with 14 men this morning. I met with seven men Wednesday morning. I meet with men four or five times a week, and we HUUUUG, we love each other at a certain level, but ..." (DOES NOSARIO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU GET AROUND?)
  • "I was sittin' at Starbucks ... there was a man there, probably 45 years old, he had his arm around a young man who was about 20. And I would say there's a 90% chance that it was just a father and a son. But I had this moment when I thought HMMM. I just went HMMM. I wonder what's goin' on. They're gettin' a little too close, they're makin' me uncomfortable ..." (THERE IS A 90% CHANCE THEY WERE FATHER AND SON, BUT YOU GOT UNCOMFORTABLE ANYWAY, JUST IN CASE THEY WERE GAY BOYFRIENDS, GETTING A MOCHA WHILE THEY BASK IN THE AFTERGLOW OF BUTT STUFF?)
  • "I don't hug [men] the way I used to." (BECAUSE GAY MARRIAGE MAKES YOU ALL GET BONERS WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK?)
  • “Now kids not only have to decide which girl to date, or which boy to date, they’ve got to decide which gender to date. And the pressure is IMMENSE! There is not a 12-year-old or 13-year-old or a 14-year-old in Fayette County, Kentucky, that doesn’t have to decide ‘Am I gay or am I straight?’ Man, I’m telling you, that is some kind of abuse.” (WE CANNOT EVEN UNPACK THIS GUY'S BRAIN THOUGHTS ANYMORE, HE HAS KILLED OUR BRAIN CELLS.)

In summary and in conclusion, Tim Philpot is your new BFF, but don't hug him if you are a dude, because we do not want Nosario getting all jealous.

[Louisville Courier-Journal / RawStory]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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