BREAKING: Nobody Knows What The Fuck Is Going On Right Now
Something in this post is true, SEE IF YOU CAN PICK IT OUT!
As of this writing, here is the latest on WTF is happening with Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, who is either fired or not fired, resigned or not resigned, Loved It or Listed It, and either America's Next Top Model or YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK, GOODBYE. It comes from Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who isn't known to lie:
THURSDAY? America has been having a panic attack for the last three hours because MAYBE THURSDAY President WonderShits and Rod Rosenstein are going to sit down for a little chit-chat? Man, they want us focused on anything but Brett Kavanaugh this week, don't they!
Axios's Jonathan Swan threw a journalism bomb this morning when he reported, apparently based on what the White House whispered in his ear, that Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein had offered his "verbal" resignation to Chief of Staff John Kelly, and moreover that he had been SUMMONED to the White House so he could resign like a bad boy who feels bad about trying to Wire Tapp the president of the United States and give him 25th Amendment wedgies. (Even though that's almost certainly not what really happened and the New York Times is full of shit for publishing it.)
BUT THEN we started to hear that actually Rod Rosenstein hadn't offered that "verbal" resignation at all and that if Rosenstein was leaving his job, he'd have to be fired first. MSNBC's Pete Williams reported that's what he was hearing from his sources at the Justice Department, who were apparently different sources from whomever Jonathan Swan was talking to on Tinder, not that Jonathan Swan does most of his reporting on Tinder, that is a rumor we made up just this second.
BUT THEN we started to hear that actually maybe Rosenstein was just going to the White House for a regularly scheduled meeting and maybe he was going to be having a little chat with John Kelly while he was there but maybe they were going to kiss and make up or maybe they were going to fight a Strip Jenga duel TO THE DEATH but maybe that got canceled because John Kelly left his lucky Strip Jenga singlet at home like a Forgetful Frank but MAYBE ...
NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. (That is the true thing in this post.)
Was this all a White House plan to use clever trickery to get Rosenstein to resign? And did the White House whisper its scoop in Jonathan Swan's ear and then proceed to own goal itself when the plan went comically wrong once Rosenstein showed up at the White House for what was actually a regularly scheduled meeting and refused to resign in shame? Is Rod Rosenstein smarter than a 5th grader, whereas the entire White House is not?
Or was this just the White House STRATEGERIZERS thinking they had a really good STRATEGERY to make everybody forget about all the Kavanaugh perviness? (Yes, it was that, according to Vanity Fair's Gabe Sherman.)
Pete Williams reports on MSNBC that as of right now, Rod Rosenstein is the deputy attorney general of the United States, we guess until at least Thursday if Sarah Huckabee Sanders is to be believed.
BUT IS THAT WHAT THE WHITE HOUSE IS TELLING JONATHAN SWAN THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT IS SAYING MICHAEL SCHMIDT AND MAGGIE HABERMAN ARE REPORTING ACCORDING TO THEIR SOURCES AT FOX NEWS WHO TOTALLY KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE, WHICH IS JUST A REALLY FUCKING WELL OILED MACHINE?
Jesus, what a shitshow.
MSNBC reports that Rod Rosenstein has now left the White House, unless that's fake news and he's currently making out with Jonathan Swan in the bathroom.
Meanwhile, Trump's lawyers are saying the Robert Mueller investigation should JUST QUIT IT if Rosenstein is fired, not that he's being fired, or if he resigns, not that he's resigning.
Oh well, guess we'll figure it all out Thursday, which is conveniently when Brett Kavanaugh's accuser Christine Blasey Ford is scheduled to testify, and which will ALSO probably be about the time Brett Kavanaugh's 487th accuser comes forward and Andrea Mitchell is forced to apologize in advance to viewers about how they have to spend the next hour talking about Brett Kavanaugh's little "Eiffel Tower" problem, which unfortunately will have NOTHING to do with French tourism, and will also unfortunately have nothing to do with consent.
Hey, here is a good tweet for today:
Guess there were TWO true things in this post!
Is this week over yet?
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