THIS JUST IN: radio station 93.9 WMIA, Feel Good Music With the Best Variety, is reporting that Ohio won't be swallowed up by Pacific Ocean tsunamis originating on the other side of the globe, according to an official at the oxymoronic "Ohio Seismic Network." Everyone please immediately make your way to Ohio. It's the only safe place on Earth (unless you're a union member).

Don't expect the Japan earthquake to have any impact on Ohio. So reports Michael Hansen of the Ohio Seismic Network.

Whew.

So far this year there have been no earthquakes in Ohio.

That seems strange. How many tsunamis have they had this year?

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Okay, this dumbfuckery makes sense now. And it's going to appear on the websites of approximately every Clear Channel station in the country.

Once again: Ohio is SAFE from Japanese tsunami attack. But you will still probably die of boredom if you go there. [93.9 MIA]