Where is that handgun we keep around the office for emergency suicides? CNN just "teased" the big story that Dan Quayle -- apparently still alive -- is not running for president. Well, gosh! And how about Jeanne Kirkpatrick, is she officially out of the race? What about I Dream of Jeannie star Barbara Eden, or TV's Murphy Brown?

This just proves CNN isn't necessarily better this time of day just because Kyra Phillips got lost on the way to the studio again.

So what's Dan up to, anyway -- assuming he really is alive? The only mention in the news this year comes from a press release about Quayle submitting an item for Newsweek's "Old Celebrities" feature or something. It seems he works for a hedge fund, and he would like to "go on a horseback safari in Botswana."

Dan Quayle '69 Among Celebrities Who Offer 'To-Do' Lists to Newsweek [DePauw University News]