BREAKING: Something Is Happening
DECIDER IN CHIEF
It's not often enough that people just come right out and say, "Fuck you, Donald Trump." But, though we at Wonkette are shy, we are going to have to say it right now, because we are being held hostage to the stupidest fucking reality TV show in the history of US government again:
Of course, the "something" will probably be Donald Trump descending from Executive Time in the residence and deciding which bachelor he wants to go home with tonight, and it will be gross shit face Mike Pompeo, because it is ALWAYS gross shit face Mike Pompeo. But who will get the OPPOSITE OF THE ROSE?
Thursday, we wrote about THE RUMORS, which are A) Donald Trump thinks he's good at being president now LOLOL and B) H.R. McMaster is going to get quit-fired as national security adviser, possibly to be replaced by John Fucking Bolton Oh My God, and C) maybe Donald Trump will steal all Jeff Sessions's butterscotches and send him packing back to Alabammy, so he can put toady fuck rash EPA administrator Scott Pruitt in as acting attorney general, so maybe THAT GUY can fire special counsel Robert Mueller.
Oh, and also John Kelly might lose his job, or Ivanka 'n' Jared might lose their jobs, we do not know, they are currently having a Strip Jenga tournament to see which faction gets to stay.
Well now there are new THE RUMORS to report, and they are ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Oh fuck, did we just fall asleep of boredom again? Let's do this in one run-on paragraph before we fall into a full coma:
CBS says chief of staff John Kelly might get fired because Donald Trump haaaaaaaate him but the Wall Street Journal says Trump and the general have kissed and made up, so fuck you, CBS, but anyway CBS also says maybe grifty VA Inspector General David Shulkin will get fired and maybe that means Rick Perry will get his job, obviously because Rick Perry is so gorgeous and smart, and also maybe HUD brain surgeon Ben Carson is in big trouble mister for spending too much moneys on great big expensive dining room tables for his office, you know, the kind of tables sturdy enough for Carson and his wife to have traditional Bible Coituses on top of, because that's what you do when you run HUD, and Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke is in big trouble mister for spending eleventy thousand rubles on DOORS, no words on whether those doors are sturdy enough to fuck on like Ben 'n' Candy Carson's Ford Tough Dinette Set, but they probably are, and oh wait hold on a minute, here is the Washington Post saying Trump has definitely for real decided to quit-fire H.R. McMaster, but maybe it won't happen today, maybe it will, WaPo does not know, but WaPo does know everybody in the White House is like "oh no, am I going to get fired today?" and the answer is probably definitely yes, so go ahead and pack your things and get Jared to pay you that 20 bucks he owes you, LOLOL, just kidding, Jared does not have 20 bucks, but anyway, also Betsy DeVos is a fucking dipshit and everybody in the White House haaaaaate her now too, and finally (we saved the best for last) John Kelly literally called Scott Pruitt on the Obamaphone on Wednesday and told him to FUCKING STOP TELLING EVERYBODY TRUMP IS PLANNING TO FIRE JEFF SESSIONS AND MAKE SCOTT PRUITT ATTORNEY GENERAL, LIKE OH MY GOD SHUT UP, SCOTT PRUITT, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP FOREVER!
For real WaPo reports that:
White House officials have grown agitated that Pruitt and his allies are privately pushing for the EPA chief to replace Sessions, a job Pruitt has told people he wants. On Wednesday night, Kelly called Pruitt and told him the president was happy with his performance at EPA and that he did not need to worry about the Justice Department, according to two people familiar with the conversation.
In summary and in conclusion, SOMETHING IS HAPPENING but we could not fucking care less what it is, the end.
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