Breaking! Trump Made 'Idiot' Jeff Sessions Commit Hara-Kiri, But He Got Better

everybody hurts sometimes

Maggie Haberman and her work boyfriends have some #DIRT to share about what happened right after Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein appointed Robert Mueller as special counsel in the Russia investigation. That was, of course, the beginning of Trump's #shunning of Attorney General Jeff Sessions, because Trump was/is SO MAD Sessions followed the law and recused himself from the investigation, since he's a pretty important character in the Russia scandal. Turns out Trump was so unkind right to Sessions's face that we ALMOST SORTA KINDA feel sorry for him, except for fuck Jeff Sessions, that little hayseed Gollum from the Deliverance section of hell:

Accusing Mr. Sessions of “disloyalty,” Mr. Trump unleashed a string of insults on his attorney general.

Ashen and emotional, Mr. Sessions told the president he would quit and sent a resignation letter to the White House, according to four people who were told details of the meeting. Mr. Sessions would later tell associates that the demeaning way the president addressed him was the most humiliating experience in decades of public


Do you see what we mean about feeling kinda sorry for Sessions, except for how he can get fucked? He was ASHEN AND EMOTIONAL. He was crying tiny little bigot tears, same way he does when Wal-Mart sells out of the butterscotches he likes, or when black babies are born. He was HUMILIATED.

Buncha these fuckers were in the Oval for a meeting about who Trump should pick for his new FBI director, and White House counsel Don McGahn got a phone call from Rod Rosenstein, who said, "I am one of the few patriotic Americans in this administration. I just appointed your worst nightmare as special counsel, LOL, anyway, BYE HEATHER." Back to the New York Times:

When the phone call ended, Mr. McGahn relayed the news to the president and his aides. Almost immediately, Mr. Trump lobbed a volley of insults at Mr. Sessions, telling the attorney general it was his fault they were in the current situation. Mr. Trump told Mr. Sessions that choosing him to be attorney general was one of the worst decisions he had made, called him an “idiot,” and said that he should resign.

An emotional Mr. Sessions told the president he would resign and left the Oval Office.

You guys, it sounds like Trump pantsed Sessions RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS. Sad! Couldn't have happened to a more loathsome individual, but Jesus Christ, the president of the United States is a total shit.

So Sessions tried to resign, but ultimately got un-resigned by Steve Bannon, Mike Pence and Reince Priebus, who convinced Trump not to accept it. Instead, Trump, ever the adult, just decided to shame Sessions in public for a few months straight.

SPEAKING OF STEVE BANNON! Who leaked this to you, M. Haberman? Was it Bannon? Did the secret scoop email smell like gin and crotch rot? Smells like Bannon to us!

Trump isn't shitting on Sessions as loudly as he was, and the NYT says their relationship has been getting a little better again. After all, Trump did give Sessions the very special job of taking a tiki torch to DACA, which was SO FUN FOR HIM, like you could see him having little end-of-the-rainbow leprechaun orgasms when he announced it! But now Trump is all "Look at me, I am Lady and the Tramping eggrolls with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer and making promises that we're going to protect those Mexicans now, WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW, JEFFERSON BUTTERBEANS, WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW?"

Jefferson Butterbeans's God is dead.

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[New York Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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