Look out, Wisconsin! The Trumpers are all up in your cheese curds trying to mess with your elections. They're suing everybody for everything, so don't open your door — it's probably yet another process server.

For various reasons, Wisconsin is perhaps the likeliest state Trump could flip by ramming into its electoral apparatus. Biden's margin is only 20,000 votes, the state's election laws are drafted to require strict technical compliance to avoid ballots being tossed out, and the state court and legislature are dominated by partisan Republicans. So let's take a minute and look at three cases where Trump and his minions are trying to shake the Wisconsin tree and see what falls out.

We'll move from dumb to dumber, and then finish off with BATSHITFUCKINGCRAZY. Three guesses who filed that last one!


Trump Campaign v. Wisconsin Election Commission

Trump, Pence, and the Trump campaign are shooting for the moon in this case against Gov. Tony Evers, the Wisconsin Election Commission (WEC) and election officials in the state's most populous counties. They literally want the court to toss out 230,000 absentee ballots cast in Milwaukee and Dane counties and hand the state to them on a platter.

(Forgive the screenshots, these PDFs are raggedy as hell.)

The main allegation here is that registrars in Milwaukee and Dane County used the wrong form, EL-122 instead of EL-121, to collect absentee ballots. Essentially they're arguing that there needed to be two forms filed: an application for ballot and also a certification. However, as attorney Akiva Cohen pointed out in an excellent Twitter thread on this complaint, EL-122 is described as an "Application/Certification."

So, the first question here is whether the Wisconsin Supreme Court is going to seize on this pretext to disenfranchise 170,000 qualified voters who did exactly what they were told to do based on the county registrar's possible misinterpretation of a form. And the second question is whether the Supreme Court would let stand such a gross violation of the due process rights of American citizens. But before we go down that road, let's just remind ourselves that Biden could lose Wisconsin's 10 electoral votes and still win with 296.

The rest of the case is an extended whine about registrars filling in missing addresses of witnesses on the absentee ballot certification and collecting ballots at "Democracy in the Park" events. They're also MAD, SO MAD! that thousands of people described themselves as "indefinitely confined" and unable to stand in line during a viral pandemic to show ID to register for an absentee ballot. Apparently, elections officials are supposed to call up your Nana and shout "Grab that walker and get your ass down here!"

See, for five days in March, election officials were telling voters on Facebook that they could register as indefinitely confined if they were worried about coronavirus, and that is "changing the law," and thus all 28,395 voters who registered as confined after March 25 must be presumed to be hale and hearty Jazzercisers whose votes must be tossed. No, they aren't going to point to a single one of those voters who fraudulently claimed to be disabled; they're just going to demand those votes be invalidated as a class.

Let's rate this case as "offensive, but not completely insane." But before a court reaches any of these claims, it might well toss the suit on threshold issues. To wit, if the argument is that only the legislature has the right to make election laws and election officials are illegally arrogating those powers by, say, deciding that it's legal to collect ballots in the park, then only the legislature has standing to sue to enforce those laws.

Moreover, this case wasn't filed until four weeks after the election — they could have sued to stop the inclusion of those ballots weeks ago, and they didn't. So, under the equitable doctrine of laches, they've probably slept on their rights too long to have the court vindicate them.

Remember how we all had to learn about the Logan Act in 2017 thanks to that scummy traitor Michael Flynn? Well, now it's laches' moment in the sun, since anything you see filed from here on out is probably DOA because of it.

And, LO, EVEN AS WE TYPE, the Wisconsin Supreme Court has told Trump to fuck off back to the trial court and see if he can get them to sort this shit out first.

WOMP WOMP.

Donald Trump His Own Putrid Self v. Wisconsin Election Commission

The Trump campaign's state-level suit was evil but competently pled. This federal suit against the same defendants brought by Trump himself is just evil. Trump is pretty confident that the judiciary isn't going to allow itself to be coopted to overturn the will of the voters, but it can't stop him from exploiting the courts as a forum to flog conspiracy theories that the vote was illegitimate. And when judges inevitably toss him out on his ass for lack of standing, failure to bring a timely complaint, and being a mendacious dick, Trump will shout THE FIX IS IN! Rinse and repeat.

No one who cares about democracy would have anything to do with this, and the lawyers who did should be fucking ashamed.

Note that said lawyers are from Indiana, not Wisconsin and infer from it what you will.

I personally got pissed off and tweeted out a thread on this POS case last night, but briefly the argument goes something like this: Ballot drop boxes are ILLEGAL, and voting by mail is inherently FRAUDULENT, and everyone claiming to be indefinitely confined is trying to commit FRAUD by evading the voter ID requirement, and BIG CITY MAYORS deliberately rigged the election by goosing absentee ballots in a conspiracy with BIG TECH, and so the federal court should declare the election illegal as a matter of state law, which would normally be the province of state courts, but you can't trust them, and also FEDERALISM and BUSH V. GORE, so please just declare Donald Trump the winner KTHXBYE.

You got all that?

See, five big city mayors applied for grants from the Center for Tech and Civic Life to improve ballot access during the coronavirus pandemic, which is obviously a plot to deprive the rest of the state of ballot access.

On June 15, 2020, the Mayors of the Cities of Madison, Milwaukee, Racine, Kenosha and Green Bay submitted a grant request to a not-for-profit organization, "Center for Tech & Civic Life," ("CTCL"), that the Mayors called "Wisconsin Safe Voting Plan 2020."

However, despite the name of the plan, it did not apply to the whole of Wisconsin, but only to their five cities.

It's an illegal conspiracy because they used some of the money for drop boxes (at least according to our Liar in Chief), and drop boxes are totally against Wisconsin law. No court has ever ruled that drop boxes are illegal, but you can just take those Indiana lawyers' word for it, okay?

There's much ominous hinting about the Center for Tech and Civic Life's sinister motive in helping Americans vote, particularly since its funding "originated from a very limited donor base of one or two wealthy individuals." (Were they hoping to imply George Soros? Because it's Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan.)

In Wisconsin, the more than $6.3 million received from CTCL by the State's five largest cities for their Mayors' Voting Program nearly equaled the total of $7.2 million in total federal CARES Act funding available to the Wisconsin Elections Commission and dwarfed the $4.1 million in CARES Act funds available to the entire state to help local election officials "prepare for Fall 2020 elections amid the COVID-19 pandemic."

Obviously this is evidence of a conspiracy between the CTCL and those evil Democrat mayors to drive up absentee turnout to levels where it would be impossible for poll watchers to observe the count, otherwise why didn't they ask for funding for more poll watchers, HUH HUH HUH?

Yet, as designed, the Mayors' absentee ballot expansion program that was intended to generate absentee ballots from 80% or more of the registered voters in a major city like Milwaukee could never reasonably accommodate public scrutiny.

This fact is evident from the five Mayors' Voting Plan itself which sought funding in the City of Milwaukee for a Central Count location to count absentee ballots where there would be "15 chiefs and 200 election workers."

It would literally require an army to keep tabs on the counting of hundreds of thousands of absentee ballots by more than 200 election workers at the Milwaukee Central Count location. But, it appears no CTCL funding was requested to enhance truly effective public scrutiny and oversight of the absentee ballot canvassing and counting processes.

So, there's nothing for it but to cancel all the votes and let the state's grossly gerrymandered legislature award all 10 of Wisconsin's electoral votes to Donald Trump. Of freaking course.

Movin' on!

It's Kraken Time!

Lucky for you, we're not going to go through the entire Wisconsin Kraken suit. Here's a truly hilarious thread on this flaming turd from attorney Mike Dunford. Let's instead talk about all the cool and creative ways Sidney Powell found to screw the pooch on this one.

First of all, one of the named plaintiffs never gave his consent to be included in the case.

Second of all, they submitted an unverified complaint requesting a Temporary Restraining Order with no proposed order attached and without notifying the defendants.

Then they said that they had inadvertently filed a draft motion, but instead of withdrawing it they filed an amended complaint in which they failed AGAIN to notify the defendants. Van Orden's name was still on it.

All of which was laid out by an incandescently furious Chief Judge Pamela Pepper of the US District Court for the Eastern District of Wisconsin in an order informing Powell and her client that, because they didn't do what they needed to do for expedited hearing, they're now looking at a three-week briefing schedule which will get them into court a week after the Electoral College has already certified the election.

If the plaintiffs have provided notice to the adverse parties, under Civil Local Rule 7(b) (E.D. Wis.) those parties have twenty-one days to respond to the motion and under Civil L.R. 7(c) the plaintiffs have fourteen days to reply. While the caption of the motion includes the word "emergency" and the attached proposed order seeks an "expedited" injunction, neither the motion nor the proposed order indicate whether the plaintiffs are asking the court to act more quickly or why. As indicated, the motion does not request a hearing. It does not propose a briefing schedule.

Ooopsie!

Powell also requested "Immediate production of 48 hours of security camera recording of all rooms used in the voting process at the TCF Center for November 3, 2020 and November 4, 2020." The TCF Center is in Detroit. Which, according to our map, is in Michigan.

Also, ummm ...

And in case you're wondering if this is just a fluke, Powell had already pissed off the federal judge hearing her Georgia case yesterday by flouncing out of his court with an ill-timed appeal to the Eleventh Circuit, resulting in this sweet love note informing her that she'd be on the sloooooooow docket when she's inevitably bounced back down to the trial judge.

But she did file an amendment this morning removing that guy who never agreed to be a plaintiff and trying to fix that scheduling fuckup, so let's all give a big round of applause for our girl Sid!

TL, DR?

THESE FUCKING PEOPLE.

[Trump Campaign v. WEC / Putrid Trump v. WEC / Wisco Krackhead Docket]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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