Breaking Wonkette Exclusive: Guess The Most Bestest Blog Of The Year (It Is Wonkette, Duh)
Now that 2013 is getting death paneled by that patriarchal sombitch Father Time, all Very Serious Journalists must submit their Best Of StuffTM listicles and reviews so they do not actually have to work on New Year's Day but can instead nurse their hangovers with some hair of the dog or whatever. While we at this ol' mommyblog are not Very Serious Journalists, we also too must nurse our hangovers because it is a day that ends in "y," and so we are pleased to announce that after serious scrutiny, we have determined, with very objective analytics (i.e., a discussion in our sekrit chatcave), the Most Bestest Blog of the Year. And the award goes to ... drum roll, please ... Wonkette!
Let's take a look at some of our very finest writing what you loved oh so much and clicked and twittered and shared on MyFacePlace to see what makes us The Best, shall we?
- You guys loved the shit out of Doktor Zoom's post, which is basically a video of Fox & Friends host Brian Kilmeade (he's the not-blond one) arglebargling with John Bolton about Benghaziiiiiiiii! We don't know if this is even Dok's finest work -- he does METRIC FUCKTONS of fine work, we can't even begin to decide what his very finest is, but he is partial to this story about exploding foamy pigdoots -- but we guess you guys really enjoy dumb videos a lot, because you sure seemed to like it. Suckers.
- You full-on nerded out on this bipartisan nice time, also by Dok (hey, why you gotta play favorites like that, Wonkers?):
In a valiant effort to undo one of the regulatory fuckups that led to the 2007-08 financial crisis, a bipartisan group of senators has introduced a bill that would reinstate some of the provisions of the New Deal-era Glass-Steagall Act, requiring banks to separate their retail banking functions from their riskier investment activities, essentially forcing most big banks to split into smaller entities. The bill is sponsored by Wonkette Permanent Nerdlust Object Elizabeth Warren, Washington Sen. Maria Cantwell, Sen. Angus King of Maine, and, in one of his mystifying periodic lurches toward responsible governing, by Sen. John McCain (R-Walnuts). Does the “21st Century Glass-Steagall Act” have a chance of becoming law? Hahaha, we actually asked that question out loud, didn’t we?
God, you guys are nerds.
- Holy crap, you almost broke the internet sharing this Guest Post From A U.S. Marine About Barack Obama’s Shocking And Disgusting Use Of An Umbrella. Full disclosure: Guest Poster is the brother of Yr Editrix and the de facto brother-in-law of Yr Humble Authoress (shut up, it's a long story, you'd need diagrams and a two-part biography to understand), and we are sure glad you rewarded our nepotism by liking this post a whole lot, but we are also mad at you for making Guest Poster's head even more bigger than it was before, Jesus.
- You LOL'd your asses off at Wonket Sexclusive: Totally Blameless Crime-Stopper James O’Keefe To Pay $100,000 To ACORN Criminal. Of course you did, because that is what we call HI-larious. (It's an industry term.) Also, Editrix spent pretty much an entire day calling newspapers and yelling at them to give us credit for breaking this sucker, and then they did.
- You chuckled at this most shocking except not shocking story, RNC Spokeswoman Admits Harry Reid Was Right About Romney’s Taxes All Along, Whoops, because even though Mitt Romney used to be the anti-clickbait, a funny thing happened on his way to losing the White House, and now everyone loves laughing at him.
- And of course, you all very much enjoyed the story of MSNBC’s Martin Bashir wanting to feed Sarah Palin a dookie, because Sarah Palin + mouth-shitting = clickbait. Thanks, Wonkers, for being so gross!
Those were some of your most favoritest posts what we blogged at you this year, but we wrote SOOOO many really good words, and you did not even make all of them go viral, what the hell is wrong with you, Wonkers?
Like, for example, Yr Humble Authoress wrote many excellent posts, which you should have liked more but didn't because you suck, we guess. Why didn't you enjoy No, You Dumbass Hipster Dumbasses, George W. Bush Should Not Be Your New Hipster Icon more, huh? What is wrong with you? (Actually, you liked it an okay amount, but not as much as you like Dok's posts. Why is he your favorite? Whyyyyyyyy?) And also, too, there is this handy PSA for when it is okay to rape a child even if she is hot and slutty and only says no twice (spoiler: the answer is never), but maybe you already knew that, because you are very S-M-R-T (that's why you read Wonkette, after all).
And then there is Gary Legum and the way he uses his mouth prettier than a $20 whore, usually for the purposes of explaining how Peggy Noonan is drunk. Like this post, which you did not sufficiently appreciate because you're so goddamned busy fanboying Dok:
In the dark of a cold winter night in Manhattan, in her pricey three-bedroom condo high above the Christmas-light-festooned streets of the Upper East Side bustling with harried and wealthy stockbrokers and their families hurrying home laden down with full shopping bags from Bergdorf and Saks, Muzak versions of “Little Drummer Boy” pouring forth from the lighted doorways of every shop and tea house, Margaret Ellen Noonan, beloved Sister of the Order of Saint Francis of Spirits and Libations, was deep into the last bottle of cooking sherry.
He reads Peggy almost every week so you don't have to. Where is your gratitude, Wonkers?
And then of course there is our most excellent editrix, whom we all love very much because she pays us in exposure AND whore diamonds AND booze AND spare change, and she writes so many excellent things for you, which you'd know if you weren't so busy collecting Doktor Zoom trading cards. Like, Rick Perry Wants You To Be His Submissive This Christmas. Come on. Rick Perry? Submissive? How come you didn't mass email that one to all your favorite wingnut uncles? Or this beauty, New York Rep. Michael Grimm Says He Did Not Sex That Lady In The Toilet. That's motherfucking poetry right there. And this, Bristol Palin Wants To Singlehandedly Murder Planned Parenthood, With Her Vagina, is downright Shakespearean:
What is echoing around Bristol Palin’s perfectly zen uterus (that is where she keeps her brains) today?
Just a great big yeeeehaw and hallelujah that perhaps someday teen girls, like Bristol Palin herself was not too many minutes ago, might get the joy and blessing of being denied affordable care for their bits and their pieces, and also might get the chance to be supertotes knocked up, like she was, with her young son, to whom she does not actually pay that much attention, actually.
Maybe you are sick of hearing about the Palins Palining like a bunch of Palins, but we don't care; we are never going to stop loving hating them. NEVER. Deal with it.
And this seriously awesome post, in which editrix shamed the ever-lovin' shit out of that crap rag The New York Times for practically forgetting to mention Wendy Davis in a story about Wendy Davis, which the Times then corrected because our paper of record clearly fears the Wrath of Wonkette.
Our editrix doesn't just mommyblog for your reading pleasure. She goes to protests and throws you lots of drinky things so you can ogle her lovely ladyparts in person, sharing her booze with you like a freakin' commie. (She is a commie for reals. True story. You can read all about it.)
So, in short, thank you for liking words we wrote for you this year and making us the most bestest blog of 2013, according to us. Please try to be better at liking us, and also, send us all your moneez so we can write even more words and drink even more booze in 2014. Hooray!