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There's a lot of things you could say about Breitbart News, first and foremost of which is Andrew Breitbart is still dead. Then there's "they are not very smart," "they are not very nice," "lots of people think Trump is paying them Newsmax-level munnies to be very the worst" and "lololol seriously what the fuck?"

Into that last category falls today's incoherent mess of an Alzheimer's rant by David Horowitz about Bill Kristol, and how he doesn't Jew so good and doesn't do other stuff too good too. (Usually we leave it up to Ben Shapiro to explain who is or is not a Jew, but he left Breitbart in a huff and hasn't been back.) Let's slacken our jaws in wonder and read it, together!

The first many paragraphs are about Bill Kristol's CUNNING PLAN to ask Mark Cuban to be his billionaire president, boring, don't care, and you already know about that anyway. So that is the background of why David Horowitz is mad, which is a good reason to be mad! If you are a Republican and a bunch of Republicans say "hey, let's just forfeit this one and let Hillary Clinton continue her MURRRRRDERS," you would be like STOP IT! STOP VOTING FOR JILL STEIN! Wait that is us. Oh well, same deal, but the opposite! David Horowitz does not want Democratty ol' Mark Cuban to be his president, FAIR ENOUGH, MOVING ON.

David Horowitz is very mad at Bill Kristol for impugning Donald Trump's character, of which he has at least three.

A second charge against Trump is that his character is so bad (worse than Hillary’s or Bill’s?) that no right-thinking Republican could regard him as White House worthy. “I just don’t think he has the character to be president of the United States,” Kristol declared in a recent interview:

It’s beyond any particular issue I disagree with him on, or who he picks as VP or something. The man in the last five days has embraced Mike Tyson, the endorsement of a convicted rapist in Indiana… He likes toughness, Donald Trump, that’s great, he likes rapists.

David Horowitz then spends five paragraphs (literally) writing that Mike Tyson isn't a rapist now. He caps this with one more paragraph about Trump's great triumph in getting the endorsement of not one African American boxer, but two.

Next point, Mr. Horowitz?

In addition to alleging that Trump is lacking in principles and character, Kristol claims that the Republican candidate is a crackpot conspiracy theorist, a disqualifying trait. Kristol’s evidence is a remark Trump made on the eve of the Indiana primary suggesting that Ted Cruz’s father might have something to hide about his alleged acquaintance with Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald.

Well ... yeah. Speaking as a crackpot conspiracy theorist -- official Wonkette editorial policy is that both George H.W. Bush and Woody Harrelson's dad killed JFK -- that Ted Cruz's Dad Was Lee Harvey Oswald's Butt Buddy thing is pretty special. Maybe it's even true! But it's not the kind of thing a serious person says out loud. Which is why -- besides all the words out of his mouth -- we know that David Horowitz is not a serious person. But but but! he says. The National Enquirer POSTED A PICTURE!

The liberal writers at Politico can perhaps be forgiven for reporting that the Enquirer only claimed that Oswald and the senior Cruz were pictured together. The Enquirer actually published the picture.

Um, that's this picture.

total proof!

Oh but even though it's true, Trump didn't mean it. He was just doing some mischief because Ted Cruz was born in Canada and published (a superPAC published) creepshots (professional photos, for a magazine photo shoot) of Trump's nude (not nude) wife.

Comments Kristol: “What’s horrible is a leading presidential candidate trading in crackpot conspiracy theories.”

So it might be, if Trump were actually putting forward a conspiracy theory. But what we have here, obviously, is not a theory but some Trumpian campaign mischief — not dissimilar in form to his earlier suggestion that because Ted Cruz was born in Canada, he might not be able to actually run for president even if he were to win the nomination. These were both campaign tricks — dirty tricks if you like — to throw a rival off balance and gain an advantage.

Were they dirtier than publishing nude photographs of Trump’s wife during the Utah primary or publishing a false story that Ben Carson was quitting the race on the eve of the Iowa primary, as the Cruz campaign did? Do they justify sabotaging a Republican run for the presidency and potentially electing Hillary Clinton?

David Horowitz is right about the Cruz campaign whispering to Carson's delegates that Carson was dropping out. Ted Cruz is a bad person who'll buttfuck a friend just as soon as an enemy, because Ted Cruz has no friends because everyone hates him. Moving on!

Here are many paragraphs about how Obama is a damned dirty interventionist who loves war, unlike all those peaceful Republicans who only wanted to intervene in Libya until Obama did too, so we stopped reading and just skipped to the end.

I am a Jew who has never been to Israel and has never been a Zionist in the sense of believing that Jews can rid themselves of Jew hatred by having their own nation state. But half of world Jewry now lives in Israel, and the enemies whom Obama and Hillary have empowered — Iran, the Muslim Brotherhood, Hezbollah, ISIS, and Hamas — have openly sworn to exterminate the Jews. I am also an American (and an American first), whose country is threatened with destruction by the same enemies. To weaken the only party that stands between the Jews and their annihilation, and between America and the forces intent on destroying her, is a political miscalculation so great and a betrayal so profound as to not be easily forgiven.

Well, I too am a Jew who has never been to Israel and never been a Zionist, and also care more about America than I care about Israel because I really don't think about Israel at all except to notice sometimes that it has universal health care (including free abortions!) and is socialist and also has some fundamentalist nutballs giving IT a real hard time and trying to destroy secularish society for not being nutball enough too!

And in my style of not-very-good Jewry, I worry about weakening the only party that stands between Jews and the Huckabees, Santorums, and Cruzes who want to lead each school day with a prayer to Buddy Jesus and outlaw the Pill and execute abortion doctors and every other fun thing Y'all Qaeda has up its Dominionist crazy Christian-sharia sleeve.

So we will just have to agree that people can Jew how they want to Jew, and also that Old Crazypants (that is you, David Horowitz) needs a nap, and whatever they are prescribing for dementia these days, and an editor LOLOLOL as if every editor at Breitbart isn't huffing gas fumes on the reg anyway.

WONKETTE OUT.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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