Trump Apologizes To Kavanaugh On Behalf Of 'Nation' Just Like Old Man Apologized To Cheney For Getting Shot In the Face

Trump Apologizes To Kavanaugh On Behalf Of 'Nation' Just Like Old Man Apologized To Cheney For Getting Shot In the Face
ABC News video screenshot

Brett Kavanaugh, who already took his official oath of office Saturday after his confirmation by the Senate, was treated to a full redundant "swearing in" ceremony Monday night at the White House, complete with a band, speeches, and a flyover of stealth fighters right there in the East Room (you couldn't see them because they're invisible). In a speech aimed at healing the Republican base 29 days before the election, Donald Trump apologized to Kavanaugh and proclaimed the sexual assault accusations against the new SCOTUS justice officially false, because, as he'd explained earlier in the day, those who accused him were committing a hoax, and were not even human beings.

Here's Trump, with all the sitting members of the Supreme Court, being nonpartisan as fuck and apologizing on behalf of the entire nation which agrees with Trump:

High Definition is really an amazing thing -- we're almost certain we could hear Ruth Bader Ginsberg grinding her teeth through the whole embarrassing spectacle. (CBS noted Ginsberg was the only Supreme at the ceremony who didn't applaud.) Trump went Full Gaslight in his remarks:

I would like to begin tonight's proceeding differently than perhaps any other event of such magnitude. On behalf of our nation, I want to apologize to Brett and the entire Kavanaugh family for the terrible pain and suffering you have been forced to endure.

Those who step forward to serve our country deserve a fair and dignified evaluation, not a campaign of political and personal destruction based on lies and deception. What happened to the Kavanaugh family violates every notion of fairness, decency, and due process.

Our country, a man or woman must always be presumed innocent unless and until proven guilty. (Applause.) And with that, I must state that you, sir, under historic scrutiny, were proven innocent. Thank you. (Applause.) You were. Thank you very much.

Oh sure, the nitpickers in the media all pointed out Kavanaugh hadn't been "proven innocent" by any stretch of the imagination, but he won, didn't he? Under the new rules of the Trump era, that means he's innocent, end of discussion. We're just surprised Trump didn't underline Kavanaugh's innocence by granting him a full pardon on the spot.

Trump had taken the opportunity Monday to hype Kavanaugh's confirmation as the huge partisan victory it was, explaining in the morning that the sexual assault allegations by several women were nothing more than "a hoax set up by the Democrats." Before jetting down to Florida to praise the Rule of Law to a police chiefs convention, President Unindicted Co-Conspirator reflected that Kavanaugh is, even today, utterly unfamiliar with many bad words he was accused of:

The things they said about him, I don't even think he ever heard of the words. It was all made up. It was fabricated and it's a disgrace and I think it's gonna really show you something come November 6th.

How the man will function on the Supreme Court while never having heard any of the words "attempted rape," "grinding into me," "put his hand over my mouth," or "drunkenly laughing during the attack" remains to be seen. Or perhaps Trump was just projecting his own inability to understand "indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter."

Later, at the cop convention, Trump again demonstrated his fealty to due process, finding Democrats guilty on all charges of making "False charges. False accusations," because of course they're Democrats, and evil.

Horrible statements that were horribly untrue that he knew nothing about. Frankly, terms that he probably never heard in his life. He was this. He was that. He never even heard of these terms. It was a disgraceful situation brought about by people who were evil. And he toughed it out.

At the event Monday night -- which the rightwing Washington Examiner described, with rare candor, as a "victory lap" -- Kavanaugh gave his own speech about how very very fair and impartial he will now be, in hopes that maybe America will forget how contorted with rage his face was when he testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Just look how nonpartisan!

All nine of us revere the Constitution. Article 3 of the Constitution provides that the judicial power shall be vested in one Supreme Court. The Supreme Court is an institution of law. It is not a partisan or political institution. The Justices do not sit on opposite sides of an aisle. We do not caucus in separate rooms. The Supreme Court is a team of nine, and I will always be a team player on the team of nine.

Isn't that sweet? And just moments after that, Kavanaugh thanked all the Republicans and one Democrat who put him on the Court:

I thank the members of the United States Senate: Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell for his leadership and steady resolve. I thank Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley for his wisdom and fairness. And I give special gratitude to Senators Rob Portman, Susan Collins, Joe Manchin, John Kyl, and Lindsey Graham. They're a credit to the country and the Senate. I'll be forever grateful to each of them and to all the senators who carefully considered my nomination.

Oh, yes, and he also thanked his "amazing and fearless friends," from high school through his professional life, for not ratting him out, before getting back to the transparently fake blather about how he'll be an impartial umpire calling balls and strikes.

The message of the event was certainly clear to rightwing supporters like "Christian" pastor Robert Jeffress, who took to "Fox & Friends" this morning to proclaim Republicans and believers in the Good News of Christ Jesus free forever of their liberal oppressors:

I would say the over-sensing [sic] feeling in the East Room was that Good had triumphed over Evil [...] I think in the years ahead we're gonna look back on this confirmation as a major cultural turning point, and here's why: Conservatives have felt bullied by the Left for decades. They feel like they've been forced to bow at the altar of political correctness. They longed for a leader like Donald Trump who would stand up to the bullies, somebody like Brett Kavanaugh who would not cave in to the bullies. And I think in many ways the confirmation of Justice Kavanaugh represents conservatives finally standing up and saying, to quote the movie, "We're as mad as hell and we're not gonna take this any longer." That's what last night was really about.

Because if the Supreme Court is about anything, it's about exercising partisan advantage, exacting revenge in the culture wars, and misquoting a movie about a guy who goes insane and gets trapped in a fatal cycle of publicity-seeking mass media stunts.

[CBS News / CNN / Politico / Chicago Sun-Times]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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